My passport was renewed!
Exclamation point because, for reasons I am about to explain, the passport renewal process can be quite precarious.
Mostly it was the “hair color” question. And mostly because when I say “question,” know that your government isn’t so much asking but is, instead, demanding in a you-can-be-sent-to-prison-if-you-get-this-wrong kind of way and what with tests making me nervous and such, the thought of having my ability to flee the country on a moment’s notice revoked was enough to make me want to get an “A” or at least a “C.” Not that I would ever need to flee the country on a moment’s notice. Want, yes. Need, I hope not. Unless Christian Louboutin is having a one day sale. Then I need to get to Paris.
At first I tried fudging the answer by smudging the ink until it was impossible to distinguish between brown or blonde which resulted in a rejected application and, also, a new word- “bronde™.” (Just like during my early school days when I would write down “T” for true, then sloppily erase most of it, then press down harder as I overwrote the “T” with an “F” (also known as the “tralse™”) and then erase again and double-back until there was essentially nothing left but a hole with a bunch of smeary marks and I hoped that the teacher would take pity on my conflicted heart and, maybe, give me half credit but I figured that the US Government wouldn’t stand for that. Although as of today, the US Government does stand for marriage equality which means that most restaurants will now have even more married couples eating and not talking to each other, so there’s that. Good job, Brownie.)
So then I asked the postmaster/passport officer/life coach what I should put down for hair color and he recommended that I call my stylist to find out exactly what she thinks she’s been doing every six weeks and why would I lay out all that money if I can’t even tell what it’s for (hence the life coach) at which point I countered with “why is hazel an acceptable color for eyes but not for hair?” Or calico? Or du jour?
Why is the US Government and the US Postal System conspiring against me? (Especially by taking my new photo under harsh lighting. So very unflattering. What’s next- putting my actual weight on my driver’s license? Oh regulations, I understand that you exist. Buy why must you exist for me?)
Really, instead of a no-fly list, I should be on a no-dye list. Or both.
(Unless I’m on my way to Jamaica in which case it’s a “No Woman, No Dye” list.)
PS: I truly believe that every thing is gonna be alright.