Things at which I excel but will never be paid for

7 Sep


I have slept through the following:

  • bats in the bedroom (twice)
  • mice running across the bed (with me in it)
  • contractions
  • The Blues Brothers Movie
  • shifts at the phone company
  • an entire day and night.
  • I also awoke to the sound of a tree falling through my car.  After deciding that there was nothing I could do right now, I took a nap.

Inventing business names

  • Jiffy Pube- quick, custom genital grooming.
  • For the Love of Gawd- trinkets, tchotchkes, all things hot glue.
  • FUNerals- mixing hilarity with bereavement.  Cards, such as “your loss is our gain” or “I never understood what you saw in her,” sold separately.

Finding song lyrics for any situation*

  • and singing them.  Loudly.

*Note to self: a possible concert tie-in with FUNerals…  Sadfest?  GrieFair?

Opening a book on or near the exact page you need

  • and not just skinny books, either.  Have you ever used “Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone” by Deborah Madison?  Good luck finding Quinoa Timbales with Currants and Pine Nuts on the first try.  (FYI: page 535.)

Impressions of little-known actors

  • the ones who rarely go on to do other movies.  Angie, from Dog Day Afternoon, for example.  “Who?” you ask.  Exactly.  I do a great Angie but if I have to explain who she is and what scenes she’s in, you will have no idea whether or not my impression is spot on.  Too bad, because it is.

Not rolling my eyes when an eye roll is clearly warranted

  • when talking with local folklorist Tom Bowes, for example.

Taking deep breaths during a physical examination

  • so deep, so slow, my doctor loses money on this visit.

Pushing buttons

  • if I don’t, who will?

Judging others

  • again, if not me, who?

Being me

  • but what would I do on vacation?  Make Quinoa Timbales with Currants and Pine Nuts?  I don’t even own a ramekin.

4 Responses to “Things at which I excel but will never be paid for”

  1. Jonathan September 7, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    Your best yet.

  2. Norm Magnusson September 7, 2011 at 2:31 pm #


  3. ymbyrd September 17, 2011 at 7:15 pm #

    I’ve actually read a few of your blog posts but am leaving a comment here. Hilarious. I was laughing out loud at your solution to just yell at people to solve the problem. All mags should just offer this as stock.

    Also, I can do a mean Lois Byrd (stage name: Welker White) impression, but I mainly do it to myself in the bathroom since that’s the best audience I can manage to find without having to offer a full-on explanation.

  4. Michael Vive La-différence Austin October 8, 2011 at 12:21 am #

    Simply sublime. Who knew you could write? I enjoyed your witty style and your unique voice was clearly present. I’ll be back.

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