My First Ma’am

My first ma’am was actually a “Hey Lady!” but deep inside, I knew it was a ma’am.  I just happened to be in the ocean at the time.

I was surfing.  Okay, perhaps “surfing” isn’t precisely what I was doing but I had a board and I was in the water and I was squinting.  Squinting is a big part of “surfing” as is looking off toward a distant horizon like you’re an oceanic Marlboro Man waiting to harness the waves.

A quick note: waves cannot be harnessed and waves do not wait.  Waves are what make surfing so hard.  If not for the waves, I would be an excellent surfer.

When the scrawny kid next to me yelled “Hey Lady!  Are you gonna take this one or what?” he couldn’t have meant me.  I was not “Hey Lady!” material.  I was Brian Wilson’s surfer girl, just another dude straddling my board, staying upright and contemplating what to have for lunch.

Mostly I was thinking about lunch: how the salt air would enhance the flavors of the Brie and pear baguette I packed and how milk chocolate eliminates any lingering taste of ocean.  And how an ice-cold Corona would hit the spot later, with dinner, and that maybe I would make a Mexican main course but shake things up a little by beginning with an Antipasto.

Let’s face it: when the little turd whizzed past me on his board and hollered “come on Lady!” I was not totally surprised.  How many waves had passed while I was building tacos in my mind?  (Sounds like some bad AM radio- “Tacos in my Mind?”  “Picante Woman?”)  A soul surfer would have caught that wave and ridden it all the way in.

Instead I got ma’amed.  On the ocean where “Hey Lady!” is the maritime equivalent of ma’am and real surfers eat PB&J mixed with sand for lunch and dinner is what happens between waves.

If imported cheese, cold beer and hot tamales makes me a Lady, so be it.  Most of my friends got their ma’ams while on line at the bank, or in the big box store, and not while hanging ten.

Tags: food, foodie, lady, ma'am, marlboro man, mexican food, ocean, picante, surfing