Full Circle

5 Oct

Here’s how to tell if your spouse is half listening: open with “so I was reading in a magazine…” right there you lost half his attention when he heard “lady magazine” and I assure you, “lady magazine” is what he heard.  You may go on to explain that Popular Science featured an article on how to build an ultralight plane using parts from the garage, but he won’t hear.  He’s already bracing for you to tell him what he is doing, but wrong, or what he’s not doing, but should, and his mind has leaped ahead to thoughts like: “what kind of an egomaniac puts her image on the cover of a magazine twelve months a year?”

By now you’ve told him what you’ve read.  He “uh-hummed” and nodded and appeared to be listening.  Here’s when you slip in the “blah, blah, blah, increased spinal and neck cancer linked to _________(insert here whatever he spends lots of time on: computers, fishing, cooking, etc.) add more blah, blah, blah” and then finish up with: “and my parents are thinking about visiting on Sunday.”  Out of all that, here’s what he heard: “fishing” and “Sunday.”  Come Sunday, you’ll find him up at dawn loading his cooler with night crawlers and reflecting on how great you are for suggesting this trip.

Fine.  Go about your business.  In a few days, after your parents have gone and the magazine conversation is long forgotten, replace all the pillows in the house.  Don’t tell anyone.

Within three days your spouse will complain of neck pain and become convinced that he has a spinal abnormality, degeneration of the neck bones- something he heard somewhere about how fishing causes bone rot and he was just out on the lake on Sunday, remember?  You will “uh-hum” and nod and happily drive him to his MRI.

The results will be fine, the neck stiffness will disappear as he adjusts to the new pillows and you, in turn, will have a whole new stack of magazines (courtesy of the medical imaging waiting room) to share with him.

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One Response to “Full Circle”

  1. ydaf October 6, 2011 at 2:28 am #

    You are evil.

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