Trick or Treat- here’s my policy

17 Oct

Take candy from a stranger?  No problem.  If it’s chocolate, I’ll eat it right there, straight pins and all.  Unless the house:

smells like cigarette smoke or pee;

has a ferret or senior living in it. (I will ask.)

is creepy.

has trademarked character or “Believe,” “Believe in Yourself,” or “Life is a Journey”-type flags displayed on the premises (also creepy.)

has a chain link fence around the yard with a pit bull size spot dug out underneath.

hands out anything homemade.  Do you have any idea how much human handling goes into making popcorn balls?  Gross.

I will not visit a house that gives out dimes

or asks me to perform a trick

or makes me do a trick and then gives me a dime.  (In my neighborhood, this was the Hoffman family; they were also the ones who confiscated our baseballs when they landed in their yard.  They were jerks and they never adjusted for inflation.)

I will not accept candy from a house that has overflowing garbage cans out front and it’s not even “Garbage Eve”

or has icicle lights hanging from the gutters- all year round.  (This clause applies only to the icicle lights.  Regular lights may remain year round in case of a Cinco de Mayo emergency.)

or is where the god people live.

Look, it’s my policy, not yours.  Get your own candy.

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4 Responses to “Trick or Treat- here’s my policy”

  1. The oldman October 17, 2011 at 5:43 pm #

    Even I have to admit…pretty funny.

  2. Mary Ellen Keller October 19, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

    I seem to remember you going trick or treating, without a costume, sometime in March to some random house on Sunset Street…just because you could…and got candy!

    • Renee N. October 20, 2011 at 11:07 am #

      I think I told them that I was out of town in October.

      Renee

  3. Jonathan Broder October 20, 2011 at 11:42 am #

    One of your best Renee, but my favorite is the comment about you going “advance” trick or treating.

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