Competitions I could win

6 Dec

competitive yoga: forget the mind-body, touchy-feely,  I know can force my way to at least a bronze medal via crow pose- it may not be pretty but I’ll do it.  I’m also a contender in the Uji breathing category as years of temper tantrums have taught me how to hold my breath until I get what I want,  which sometimes, is nothing more than the next breath.  So very Zen.

competitive trim painting: living in an 1860s farmhouse means that something is always breaking or broken or recently fixed and then broken and painted again.  “Here comes “High Gloss White!” they yell as I enter Middleburgh Hardware and it has nothing to do with my pale shiny complexion.

extreme badminton: no rules, no net, no mercy, poor shuttlecock.

knuckle cracking: not just my own and not just fingers.  Whether in church, the opera, the library or during sleep, I can easily win in both the Frequency and the Shrillness categories.  I face no serious competitors other than Jamie Lee Curtis who, legend has, was born with extra toes.

chewing: I pulverize my food for optimum nutritional intake.  At a very slow rate.  So slow, I’ve had family YELL at me for chewing too long.  My brother would say that slow eating was merely an attempt at getting everyone to pay attention to me.  My sister would defend me by yelling “everybody shut up and let her eat, damn it!”  At that point I could still chew but I could no longer digest.  Optimum nutritional intake- ha!

exhaustion: fierce competition here among all my friends but ultimately I will prevail simply because I am the only one with enough energy to pick up an entry form.

looking interested in what you have to say: actually not.  There’s no disguising boredom.  Can I go now?

One Response to “Competitions I could win”

  1. cindy December 15, 2011 at 6:26 pm #

    Can I go now?….just kidding.

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