Competitions I could win

6 Dec

competitive yoga: forget the mind-body, touchy-feely,  I know can force my way to at least a bronze medal via crow pose- it may not be pretty but I’ll do it.  I’m also a contender in the Uji breathing category as years of temper tantrums have taught me how to hold my breath until I get what I want,  which sometimes, is nothing more than the next breath.  So very Zen.

competitive trim painting: living in an 1860s farmhouse means that something is always breaking or broken or recently fixed and then broken and painted again.  “Here comes “High Gloss White!” they yell as I enter Middleburgh Hardware and it has nothing to do with my pale shiny complexion.

extreme badminton: no rules, no net, no mercy, poor shuttlecock.

knuckle cracking: not just my own and not just fingers.  Whether in church, the opera, the library or during sleep, I can easily win in both the Frequency and the Shrillness categories.  I face no serious competitors other than Jamie Lee Curtis who, legend has, was born with extra toes.

chewing: I pulverize my food for optimum nutritional intake.  At a very slow rate.  So slow, I’ve had family YELL at me for chewing too long.  My brother would say that slow eating was merely an attempt at getting everyone to pay attention to me.  My sister would defend me by yelling “everybody shut up and let her eat, damn it!”  At that point I could still chew but I could no longer digest.  Optimum nutritional intake- ha!

exhaustion: fierce competition here among all my friends but ultimately I will prevail simply because I am the only one with enough energy to pick up an entry form.

looking interested in what you have to say: actually not.  There’s no disguising boredom.  Can I go now?

Advertisements

One Response to “Competitions I could win”

  1. cindy December 15, 2011 at 6:26 pm #

    Can I go now?….just kidding.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: