Here’s what happens when you’ve been unemployed for a while: the “dream job” that you often fantasized about while AT WORK becomes significant as your six-week review with the “employment solutions counselor” is here and you must have something to show for your time besides a renewed appreciation for the character “Lucky” as voiced by Tom Petty on “King of the Hill.” (Side note: Tom Petty is a native Floridian.)
So, to my employment counselor I offer:
Second to Naan: a lunch truck that serves, stuffed or topped, freshly baked naan. You may ask how successful an Indian lunch truck could be here in Venisonland but that, I feel, is a question more for a counselor with “solutions” in her title than it is for me. I’m too busy thinking.
Thinking: so obvious yet it appears on my soon to be released “List of Endangered Things.” I could do this for any number of employers.
Batter Up: a food truck that will deep fry ANYTHING. From baby shoes to engagement rings as well as the classics: Oreos, apple pies and sticks of butter. Located in Cooperstown, NY, this service caters to visitors to the Baseball Hall of Fame and is aptly named.
The Truth Booth: a cardboard washing machine box that sets up anywhere (parties, reunions, etc.) to afford privacy. For a fee, you may bring an individual into the booth whereupon I will tell them what you cannot. Specializing in: “that hairstyle makes you look like you’re 100” and “your son (daughter) is smoking the (your) pot,” we also create custom rhyming verse like:
“Your spouse is a louse/get him out of the house./Yeah and the other day in the kitchen?/I saw a mouse. You need to clean, girl.”
or even Haiku:
dry, dusty cooking
eternal sands of marriage
ketchup is my friend.
And from my employment counselor I request:
a part-time, sit down (in one of those vertebrae-aligning kneeling chairs and not a cushy wheely chair) but not too much sitting (as a visit to WebMD indicates that Spinal Stenosis can be aggravated by sitting), number- crunching (but not crazy big theoretical numbers with all kinds of commas and decimals), well-paying position with a mediumsmall-large company and a window. For my ferret.
I suppose we may have to meet in the middle on this.
Meet in the Middle: a lunch truck that prepares selections from the middle of other restaurant menus and deep fries them. For a fee. Comes with a side of truth.
I love your Truth Booth idea!
Still giggling wickedly.
Please post more often!
Seriously. You’re great. I hate you.