How to Enjoy Pneumonia without Leaving the Couch (for several days)

7 Mar

Having recently experienced pneumonia, I recommend the following: a marathon of “The Price is Right” followed by several episodes of “Curb Your Enthusiasm”.  These two programs coupled with fever and chills result in a surreal afternoon guaranteed to turn a contagious disease into a cavalcade of dreams.

First, Richard Lewis and I flew round trip coach to sunny Cocoa Beach Florida for a 6 night stay at the Sheraton Cocoa Beach located just minutes from the Kennedy Space Center where we had fun in the sun on our new speed boat and motored around town on our his and her Segways! (Total retail value: $31,000).

Sadly, we were unable to enjoy any of it because we feared that the concierge wanted to do a stop and chat.

From Cocoa Beach it was back to LA where I contemplated how struggling with a first name surname helped make Larry David the success that he is today or, rather, the success that he epitomized in 1992 (“Seinfeld”) and then, to a lesser extent, in 2000.  I don’t know where Larry David is today.

Between coughs I made a list of other successful first name surnamers: Jon Stewart, George Michael, Brian and Woodrow Wilson, Dave Barry, George Harrison, Bruce Wayne- fictional yes, but very successful.  (Hello?  Billionaire and superhero.)  Also Prince William, Sonny Bono, Al Gore  and Betsy Ross.

And Jesus Christ.  Because growing up, my mom began as many sentences with “Jesus!” as she did with “Christ!” so we never really knew His whole name.  Once in a while mom would throw in an “Almighty!” and then we were totally lost.

Then a Latino family moved into the neighborhood.  The boy’s name was Jesus, it said so right on his report card but when we called him that, we got in big trouble.  In the interest of going out to play, we settled on “Rodriguez” which was his last name, and that was fine.

Until my brother befriended Thomas Christ.  When we used his last name we got yelled at.  Eventually the nuns told us that it was pronounced “Krist” (“because there is only one Christ and he sees and knows everything you kids do and think” etc.).  If Jesus was truly omniscient, why didn’t he send John Smith so that we could avoid all this mishegas and go out and play?

Finally, I had all pets spayed AND neutered and woke up because it was time to take another antibiotic.

Repeat for several days.  Enjoy.

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