I.R.S. (I Rock. Sincerely.)

11 Apr

With April 15th or, “How Was I Supposed to Know That I Have to Save EVERY Piece of Paper Marked “Important- Tax Document Enclosed” Day?” upon us, now is when I recall certain traits about my spouse that I have deliberately forgotten about for the entire previous year.

Honesty and precision.  While appreciated at almost any time of year, creating a spreadsheet that references color-coded receipts, bills, and forms and stuff does not make him appear smart or organized or competent (well, maybe it does.  But it definitely does not make him look FUN.)   Since when is showing up with last year’s muscle car wall calendar, some post its and a giant brown envelope considered “woefully unprepared?” And who, besides spouse, would use “woefully unprepared” in a sentence and expect to have sex (with me) ever again?

P.S. You either get muscle cars or you don’t.  (1970 Chevelle SS 396, my friends.)

In taxes, as in life, I prefer a grey zone where black and white are blended and finances, likes notes on a Telecaster, are for bending into what I call “Creative Accounting.”  (A concept I invented while at unemployment counseling.  Well, maybe I didn’t invent it, but I did think of copyrighting the idea and combining it with a lunch truck- “Eat and Cheat.”)  For our first lesson in Creative Accounting, let’s discuss Paul Newman cookies.

Paul Newman was a great actor (and race car driver) whose line of gourmet foods sold at prices higher than similar Food King brand items with the extra cost donated to charity.  Which means that every time I drizzled Honey French dressing on my salad or scarfed a package of chocolate chip cookies (often within minutes of each other) I too, was being philanthropic and, am therefore, entitled to a deduction.

So why, then, when I show up at the tax appointment with two packages of delicious cream-filled deductions, does my husband look at me as if I have lost my mind?

Incidentally, looking at me as if I have lost my mind is another trait that my spouse has.  The reason that I haven’t forgotten about it over the past year is because he does it every day.

I suppose some of you consider April 15th an opportunity to spend time with spouse, Fran the Tax Man and a 1040 EZ form (another oxymoron brought to you by the Internal Revenue Service.)  I also see April 15th as an opportunity to spend time with spouse, Fran the Tax Man and the IRS.  I just don’t see it as positive time spent together.  And I like Fran the Tax Man.

One Response to “I.R.S. (I Rock. Sincerely.)”

  1. ydaf April 12, 2012 at 1:18 am #

    Fortunately, I am married to an intelligent woman who can “do” taxes before April 15 without Fran the Tax Man

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