Only 220 Days Until December

25 Apr

My mother is one of the few people I know who still uses checks and I’m guessing that what keeps her coming back is the “check memo.”  Without that space, she would be denied the opportunity to indicate, in writing, why she has sent me one check, per year, on or about the same day, each year, since I moved out.  It’s kind of like an annual celebration of something significant.  (Hint: “Birthday Gift.”)

Things have gotten crazier since I birthed the boy, though; now mom has to remember two birthdays in December so you can see how that memo line becomes even more critical.

My mother-in-law has found a way to eliminate any confusion: she sends the boy a savings bond for his birthday.

Which stinks if you’re him.  Instant gratification delayed is instant gratification denied (so why even bother with the word “instant?”)  Having money for a new guitar but not really having money for a new guitar because you loaned it to the government for an unspecified period stinks even more.

Nothing creates a cynical, anti-government teen faster than a Series EE savings bond preventing you from becoming the next Stevie Ray Vaughn.

Getting a savings bond for your birthday is like being one of my brother’s kids at Christmas: you unwrap a shiny, new Hess truck which is then immediately placed on a shelf with the other Hess trucks.

I know that my brother and his wife believe that those collectible trucks (brand new, still in box) are the kids’ college funds but they’re wrong: a bursar will not accept Hess trucks (regardless of condition).  At least no bursar I’ve known.  (I think I just wanted to use the word “bursar.”)

The best plan for my niece and nephew is to bust open those Christmas trucks and have at it.  At least then they will have interesting college application essays like: “The Day I Lived out of the Box,” or “Hess Trucks are Awesome, Who Knew?  Not Dad.”

And then, maybe someday when they’re grown, their cool aunt will send them checks with encouraging thoughts written right on the memo like: “English Majors Rock! (Please check with the bank before you cash this),” or “I told your parents to let you play with those trucks now stop scaring the cat” and the holidays can be fun again.  Until then, there’s Baileys.

3 Responses to “Only 220 Days Until December”

  1. ydaf April 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

    They keep getting better.
    You might try out as a stand up comedienne.I wrote “comedienne”, so you would not confuse yourself with a comedian

  2. Wandering Flatlander April 26, 2012 at 7:55 am #

    Did you have to buy thesavings bonds with stamps in grade school like 25 c a week or something? Then when I was like eighteen I cashed all my savings bonds and it was like 150 bucks. All that fucking around and waiting for 150 bucks which I probably blew on beer and weed? Ah America.

    • Renee N. April 26, 2012 at 12:26 pm #

      You helped finance your government, too.

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