*I really needed soy milk and paper towels.

2 May

I am not one to take out my frustrations on a person who is just doing their job.

After all, I once worked as a UPS package handler (for two days.)

Of course, having achieved a certain level of self-awareness, I now know that I prefer spending the day standing and lifting heavy things to sitting at a desk and then going to the gym where I pay money to stand and lift heavy things.

Plus when I did work for UPS, I conserved precious brain energy for use during off hours which resulted in such a surplus I should have at least written a movie treatment and a children’s book series (“Why Mommy Drinks,” “Why Mommy Cries,” etc.) instead of spending hours hanging with friends contemplating the corn dog (which came first?), Tinky Winky (the only gay Teletubbie, really?) and The Smiths (great band but so sad).  Also- I had paid vacation and health benefits.  Those were good days.  Both of them.

So, obviously, I have no issue with working for a living.  It’s just that, if you happen to be a Food King cashier, why not rule the Food King Kingdom by becoming Emperor of All Things?  And by “Emperor of All Things” I mean stop asking me the names of all the weird fruits and vegetables I buy and just do your job.

New policy: if you don’t know what the produce is and you ask me, instead of looking it up or learning it, I’m going to tell you that it’s the cheapest fruit in the store until your front-end manager freaks out and banishes you to clearing jams at the Coin Star machine (so many germs!)

From now on, all unrecognized produce is a Granny Smith apple (on sale this week for $1.29/lb.).  A pear that is so fragile it comes wrapped in cushion like a museum artifact?  If you ask me, I will say it’s a Granny Smith in pajamas.  Tomatillos?   Granny Smiths still in their husk.  And persimmons?  Why, they’re how Granny Smiths look before they turn green and lose their leaves.  Everyone knows that.

So listen up Food Kings- I have been where you are.  Accept your current employment situation, pass your produce test and move on.

I often shop while conserving brain energy and your constant badgering is a drain on my limited supply.

Although that does help explain why I came home with one doughnut (thank you for not asking me “how many?”) and a plant.*

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One Response to “*I really needed soy milk and paper towels.”

  1. Wandering Flatlander May 4, 2012 at 8:58 am #

    You are a seriously funny writer. So the coinstar is the most genius invention ever. People bring their money in the form of coins. They put their money into the machine and pay 8% to get back paper money. The coinstar people must be pissing in their pants. You can walk over to the credit union across the parking lot and open an account with your coins which they will count for free and if you leave your coins there with them they will pay you a small fee for the pleasure of counting and safely storing your money. I want to invent the next coinstar, but sadly something that amazing doesn’t happen often.

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