If You Give Your Mom a Bagel

10 May

If you give your mom a bagel, she’ll want a gated community to go with it.

She’ll sell the house in which you were raised (at an awesome recession-defying price) and find a bunch of like-minded seniors to share manicured lawns and prohibit swing sets with.

She’ll ask for some cream cheese.  To get the cream cheese you will drive around the Food King until you find a pull-through spot.  (No one backs up here; it’s too dangerous.  Mrs. Gershon had a fender bender last week and she beeps the horn before she even starts the car.)

After eating the cream cheese, she’ll want to walk off the calories (what?  It would’ve killed you to get low-fat?)  At the fitness center, one of the residents will tell you that jogging, no matter how slow, violates the treadmill speed limit which is embarrassing because:

a.  your husband says that you look like Jerry Lewis when you run and,

b.  you are way too sweaty for someone moving oh so slow.  So you and mom will leave.

On the way home, she’ll spot an unauthorized lawn ornament in the neighbor’s yard.  She’ll want to report it to the Front Desk.

She’ll ask you for a pen and paper to fill out the complaint.  You will have neither because everyone today uses an iphone to send complaints.

So she’ll want an iphone of her own.

You have to take her to the Apple store.

When she is all finished, she’ll decide that “getyowza” is her favorite website because she and your father can dine out at significant savings in restaurants that are close to Bravo Living- An Adult Community which is nice because of all the recent automobile crashes (see above).

When the shopping is done, she’ll realize that she’s hungry.  She’ll ask if you want to stop at the diner where she’ll order a bagel.

And chances are, when she gets her bagel, she’ll want a security guard and some Mexican landscapers to go with it.

Happy Mother’s Day!

(I love my mom and bagels.  Just not together.)

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