School’s out. Pass the chocolate.

20 Jun

How can it be that the last day of school is tomorrow?

It seems like we were just singing “Auld Lang Syne.”  Remember New Year’s?  Passe already- the shoulder pads, leg warmers, Blondie, DALLAS.  Oh wait, that was 1982.  I hate when I lose decades.

Also no one, not even my parents, sings at midnight on January 1st because,

a:  they have been asleep since 9:00 and

b:  we are a tone-deaf people.  Birthday parties have been “family only” since my sister and I once tried to harmonize and, long story short, the dog ran away and Grandma shot hot coffee out of her nose.

So by as early as this Friday I may be expected to be at the town pool, in a bathing suit with a cooler full of snacks and nine weeks of “I’m bored” staring me in the face?  Whatever happened to summer school, truancy, letters sent home from the district and making up for “unauthorized absences?”  Do we even have a truancy officer anymore?  I really should attend more Board of Ed meetings- the school year needs to be made longer.  Effective immediately.

It can’t be June because I haven’t lost the New Year’s resolution weight yet.  I blame Nabisco.  The 100 calorie snack bags that I bought at the warehouse store on January 2nd were to help me realize when my “portion perceptions are misaligned.”  (I also purchased a diet/psychology book.)

Mini Oreos- ha!  They ought to call them Oxymoron Bites.  Now Mommy eats three bags instead of two cookies but she pays more per ounce (the irony is why she opens the third bag) and enjoys them less.  Way to go National Biscuit Company.

Is it wrong to hope for a rainy summer?

Or at least a rainy July?

By August I can get a spray tan, mani-pedi, haircut and enough Spanx and WonderFabric-infused swimwear to make it to September 5th.

Which may explain why my parents sang their heads off every September 4th throughout my childhood: from “Winchester Cathedral” to “Peggy Sue,” they harmonized, laughed and then sang some more.  And September 4th isn’t even anyone’s birthday.

One Response to “School’s out. Pass the chocolate.”

  1. Jonathan Broder June 20, 2012 at 3:18 pm #

    Hilarious. Favorite line: “…long story short, the dog ran away and Grandma shot hot coffee out of her nose.”

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