Lessons Recently Learned (or “Shake it down. Shake it down now.”)

6 Feb

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When the trooper asks why you think he pulled over, do not respond with: “isn’t that YOUR job?”

Never go on a three-day juice cleanse and then slather yourself with cake-scented lotion right before bed on Day One.  You may wake up to ragged cuticles and the uncertainty as to whether the first day even counted due to unintentional meat consumption.  Also, never book air travel while on Day Two as receiving an upgrade via frequent flyer miles may cause you to weep.  Everything makes you weep on Day Two.  Like memories of having chewed, for example.

When The Boy brings home a bad report card, do not accuse him of not trying hard as he will eventually yell that while  he was, in fact, trying, he simply wasn’t trying “hard enough!”  Oh sure- now he understands modifiers.

Even though everyone saw “Les Miserables,” only a small percentage of the population (me) appreciates having everyday conversations sung in opera voice.  Sue me for thinking that “you take that wet, used towel and you put it in the wash.  One more dawn.   One more day.  One day more!” would be received more favorably when vocally expressed with massive vibrato.  Likewise to the Food King cashier who couldn’t wrap her brain around “Do you hear the people sing?  Singing the songs of angry men.  They’re frustrated coupon shoppers who will not be fooled again.”  (PS: Anne Hathaway could use a sandwich.)

Finally, if the trooper repeats the question “do you know why I pulled you over?” answering “was I doing 36 in a 24-36, what a winning hand?” and following with some mighty mighty dance moves just makes him tug the tie wraps tighter.

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5 Responses to “Lessons Recently Learned (or “Shake it down. Shake it down now.”)”

  1. Jonathan Broder February 7, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

    One of your finest.

    • Renee N. February 7, 2013 at 12:57 pm #

      I agree.

      • Judie February 11, 2013 at 3:16 pm #

        she’s a “Brick House” gotta love that reference!

  2. Onothimagen February 12, 2013 at 8:56 pm #

    Brilliant, as usual. Damn it!

  3. Sheila Sweeney February 20, 2013 at 12:46 pm #

    Good one! Surprise! I finally am getting around to reading them.

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