I Didn’t Win “Mother of the Year” Award (again)

27 Feb

blog image janis joplin

Being able to sing a timely song in an instant is both a blessing and a curse.  Being able to sing well would be nice too but, I can’t have it all- this house is too small.  (Future blog complaint: maybe I could have it all if we didn’t live in such a small, affordable house.)

Now, I know it’s not cool to sing Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby” when The Boy comes home from a rough day at school and is brave enough to cry in front of me but honestly,  it just comes out.  True, singing the entire song including the instrumental break, complete with air instruments and sweating, may be a bit much but, if nothing else, let it be said that I was never a half-assed horrible singer.  When I’m in, I’m all in.  Tears dry.  A little Janis might help.

Blessing: The Boy gets more grist for his inevitable therapy mill.

Curse: once again, here’s something at which I totally excel yet no jobs for an Instantaneous Relevant Song Procurement Technician (IRSPT) currently exist.  PS: I am also available during the middle of the day to be your IRSPT, if necessary.

Or when I sang “Under Pressure” as our little league team was being so badly creamed, the other team, bored with scoring runs, striking our guys out and napping, begged the umpire to make it a forfeit so they could just go home.

Technically, we won that game.  But only because “the terror of knowing what this world is about, watching some good friends scream let me out!” got us off the field and into the ice cream shop.

Blessing: Queen AND hot fudge.

Curse: Queen, as interpreted by me.

Now, I know that the “Mother of the Year- cooking category” ship sailed years ago when I put The Boy’s entire lunch (bread included) in the blender and served him a PB&J Shake.  As did the “Mother of the Year- keeping children safe from axes category” on November 14, 2012.

Part of me was holding out for the talent part of the contest.  Singing is just one of many abilities I have- you should see me create a miracle sandwich with nothing more than an “empty” jar of Nutella, two crusts of bread and a rubber spatula- it’s renowned.  And delicious.

And my spatula skills are not limited to just Nutella.  I also find mustard, mayo, chutney, srirachi sauce, tahini, cookie dough and Elmer’s glue right when you need it.  You know, that moment just after the eye roll but before the big sigh.

(Who keeps putting all these empty jars back in the refrigerator anyway?)

Well, Boy, if being super awesome (and driving you everywhere) is not enough, what can I do?  It’s not that I’m unwilling to try, it’s just that there are other awards out there that I can totally win with less effort.  (Hello?  “Women of a certain age, arm wrestling, freestyle?”  I could win that one in my sleep.)

Finally, were I so inclined, I could better train if I knew who the judges are, when the judges meet and what the criteria are.  I only seem to find out that I lost when dinner goes something like this: “a homemade meal crafted from fresh produce from the garden you planted?  Again?  Well, there goes that mother of the year award.”

To which I reply: “____ you.”

If there is a “Mother of the Year- concise communication category” I am ready for my close-up.

And if there is a “close- up category” I’m ready for that too.

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One Response to “I Didn’t Win “Mother of the Year” Award (again)”

  1. Jonathan Broder February 27, 2013 at 9:44 pm #

    Doesn’t Owen have enough “grist”? Nice job.

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