Worst Breakup Ever

20 Mar

blog image apples

In a previous life I was a good girlfriend.  Until.

At the risk of sounding Taylor Swift-ish,

He bored me.

Maybe it was one too many stories about the Long Island Rangers, muscle cars or seeing REM live before they “were” REM, I don’t know.

Perhaps it was how he told the stories- quietly, with little voice modulation or plot development, while driving- a “perfect storm” of slumber.  Anyone would fall asleep under those conditions.  Dane Cook lighting firecrackers while on espresso would fall asleep under those conditions.

He even suggested that I had narcolepsy for crying out loud.  Narcolepsy!  Me!  Queen of the mosh pit!  Because it couldn’t possibly be him, right?

And so I snapped.  Yes, I was young and crazy and mean (and, also, a Queen).  But I was certainly neither young nor crazy enough to stay in a relationship based primarily on restaurant openings and movies when life, living, was calling.  As for mean…

Who can say?  I knew that I was done and that another Bombay Palace or Rambo: First- Second-How ever many- Blood was not going to save us.  I just didn’t tell him.  Until.

Somewhere on Route 18, between New Brunswick and East Brunswick, I saw the parking lot lights of the grocery store in the distance and, simultaneously, the light.

Hold on because things move quickly from here.

“Would you mind stopping at the Food King?” I asked, “I’m really craving fruit.”

Never let it be said that he wasn’t a gentleman; he offered to stop at the diner but I insisted that an apple from the Food King was what I needed RIGHT NOW.

“And you can just wait here in the car.”

Wrong?

Here’s how I know it was right: after sneaking out the back of the store and walking the remaining 4 miles home, I ate that apple.

It was delicious.  It tasted like a new beginning.

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7 Responses to “Worst Breakup Ever”

  1. Guy Garrett March 20, 2013 at 4:10 pm #

    How do you know he did not take off when you entered the food mart? He may have been happier than you were– if that makes a difference. ydaf

  2. James Thatcher March 20, 2013 at 6:22 pm #

    Gosh, that sounds like the BEST break-up ever! I’m a big fan of Passive-Agressive behavior…much better than simply Agressive!

  3. Judie March 20, 2013 at 8:26 pm #

    I’m confused..where is the Food King on Route 18? and which break up was this? Did I know the boyfriend? I wonder if it’s who I think it is?

    • Renee N. March 20, 2013 at 10:09 pm #

      Shop rite and, no.

      Sent from phone. Please excuse any typos or misspelled words.

    • Renee N. March 21, 2013 at 1:11 pm #

      Shop Rite. And, no.

  4. wanderingflatlander March 21, 2013 at 8:55 am #

    It’s all about apples- or oranges. Fruit is secretly running our lives. I do not believe in conspiracy theories.

    • Jonathan March 21, 2013 at 12:39 pm #

      I was in close proximity to the event depicted and can attest to the accuracy of this testimony. (He was a schmuck.)

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