DO NOT Judge A Book By Its Cover (go by weight instead)

4 Apr

blog image stephen king

Boy, my recent library selections have been disappointing.

Having finished Stephen King’s “11/22/63,” I found myself asking: “Why would anyone invite Mr. (or Mrs.) King over for dinner up there in Bangor (Derry), Maine or wherever the heck it is that they live?”

First of all: while there aren’t that many people in Maine to begin with, do you really want to have the Kings over?

Between the two of them, they have written more words than all the residents of Bangor, Maine combined, including the collective speeches of all nine City Councilors.  (I love Wikipedia.)  I imagine that the Kings (with all their verbiage and sentences and things) could monopolize an entire evening utilizing witty banter alone and then who, exactly, would be listening to me?

Second, “11/22/63” is simply too long.  How can one be expected to sit at a dinner party with the author and not say something like “did you even pause to read it or did you just keep typing until your tendons wore out?” (A classier version of “do you get paid by the word, or what?”  because, after all, this is still a dinner party.  (In my mind.)  Ayup.)

Maybe the book felt sluggish because I read the large print version which made it even longer (and heavier).

Hey- before you judge- the large print version was already downstairs in the new fiction section and, while I’m willing to totally abandon bedtime for a good yarn, I’m not about to strain my eyes (or climb stairs) for a book that is too long (and too heavy.)

Would Stephen King strain his eyes to read “Fresh Air and Sarcasm?”  He doesn’t even have the decency to invite me to a dinner party.  (In my mind.)

Bonus: large print books allow you to utter sentences like: “Really, I knew by page 450, that this book wasn’t working but I thought maybe it would right itself in the remaining 500 or so pages.”

(Most geeks will quickly note that you are a person of great substance and stamina because you read nearly 1000 pages.  That, or they consider you a person “with lots of spare time who should consider gainful employment.”)

But enough about Spouse.

He sure can whine, though, the Spouse.  He just goes on and on.

As does Richard Russo’s memoir, “Elsewhere.”

Reading “Elsewhere” is the literary version of watching a Sundance Channel movie.  Sure, it’s free, but hours later you find yourself agitated and ashamed because while you were somehow able to find time to watch an aimless and dreary video, you can’t ever seem to get around to alphabetizing the spices or dusting things.  (Example: “Wendy and Lucy” starring Michelle Williams).

In “Elsewhere,” Richard Russo, local hero/escapee, discusses his non-traditional maternal relationship in an actual published book and, when finished, all I can think is: “you think that’s crazy?  You should see my Russian relatives drink chilled vodka until they sing songs of the motherland while chasing skunks with two by fours.  (Now they were some crazy women.)

Yet eternal optimism allows me to believe that a plot, something to care about, will always emerge.

Of course, if you’ve read this far, you know that is not always true.

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3 Responses to “DO NOT Judge A Book By Its Cover (go by weight instead)”

  1. wanderingflatlander April 5, 2013 at 5:30 am #

    I don’t have time for books. I’m reading the blogs. My spices are not only not alphabetized , they are not even labeled. Cooking is always an adventure. Stephen King is a freak. He’s writing right now.

  2. Mo April 5, 2013 at 12:26 pm #

    Yes, but it still makes me chuckle

  3. Onothimagen April 17, 2013 at 10:36 am #

    Huh! Stephen King is still writing?

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