Life’s Essential Hardware

8 May

blog image vitamix blender

Because life can be difficult to navigate, make sure you have at least one or two of the following in your survival kit:

earbuds:  they don’t even have to be connected to anything as we have become so used to people saying “what?” we rarely speak anything profound on the first round.  I usually start with a throw-away like “how’s it going?” and then transition into “your foundation doesn’t match the rest of your skin and so your face looks like it’s made of plastic.  You’re welcome.”

Earbuds are also useful while at the gym- as long as there are cords hanging from your ears you don’t have to speak to anyone and, if like me you are determined to learn a new language, you will appear smart and fit as you repeat French phrases aloud while rowing.  Or is it Rueing?  (Ah, my first French pun!  Je suis wicked awesome.)

wristwatch:  I think some people (mostly nurses) use this to tell time if they cannot find their cellphone and a resting pulse is needed.  Also a useful prop when you need to disengage from an in-person conversation because your once mellow resting pulse has been elevated by a close-talker and/or Jehova’s Witness and serenity must be restored now.

cellphone: a camera/music/internet device that also makes phone calls when absolutely necessary.  (Define necessary, then define absolutely.  Then know that I will never call.  Ever.)  Conversely, once you have a cellphone, people can find you.  Any time.  And they will.  Technology is a two-way street, my friend.

computer, laptop, tablet: another music/internet device that, in addition to above, displays bigger pictures of kittens, cute babies and cake box recipes from friends of people who I sort of know.

Vitamix blender: that resting pulse isn’t going to lower itself; a healthy diet is important.  Besides, the Vitamix is the only blender with a motor powerful enough to grind left over chocolate Easter bunnies and ice into a delicious smoothie.  A delicious, nerve-calming, endorphin releasing tonic.  (Fruit is certainly an option but why would you when Bailey’s contains both calcium and whiskey?)

electric car windows: see April 24, 2013 but know that the basic premise is closing the window to avoid conversation while deflecting blame.

hammer, scissors, duct tape and beer: because Spouse says he will fix it and he means to fix it but, next thing you know, three years have passed and living with a busted armrest is a way of life.  The hammer, scissors and duct tape will hold it together.

The beer is for him.

He married a shrew.

A shrew who rarely needs to rest her arms anyway.  What?  I’m Serena Williams now?

And it’s not like I go around waving all friendly-like at people.  Ever.

Why would I do that?

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Life’s Essential Hardware”

  1. Susan May 8, 2013 at 12:32 pm #

    c’est magnifique!

  2. James Thatcher May 8, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

    Guessing that “Rueing” refers to some sort of ‘street’ activity; “Reauing” perhaps? But seriously, I knew what you meant, and speaking the language is totally different than reading and writing the darn thing. I also really like the plastic face look…thanks for breaking that down for me! Go Girl!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: