If you don’t like what they’re saying about you, scratch their eyes out.
Before you go outside, eat.
When you come back in, eat.
If forced to pee outside, eat something as soon as you are back inside.
Humans spend inordinate amounts of time mowing perfectly good grass.
Always find the sunny spot.
Sleep.
(That’s all. He’s a cat not an oracle.)
Fresh Air and Sarcasm 
Have you still not read Richard Brautigan? You must.