Why The Los Angeles Dodgers Must Lose

16 Oct

blog image j geils band

They took the Dodgers out of Brooklyn.

Then they took Don Mattingly.  (Doesn’t his last name sound like a delightful adverb?  “He loved her mattingly.”  Of course he did.  He’d be a fool not to.  Who is he?)

They then put Mr. Mattingly outside amid palm trees, where all sports are meant to be played, tanned him up and made him look good.  (Side note: I have seen Don Mattingly in person and that tan helps.  August 1997: Spouse, Boy and I all attended Don Mattingly Day at Yankee Stadium.  I know it was 1997 because The Boy was in utero and has had a fear of heights ever since- we didn’t exactly spring for the baseline seats.)

Also, a person can’t get to Dodger Stadium unless they need to get to the LA Costco.  Then it’s nothing but clover leafs and traffic jams until those inexpensive paper goods are a vague memory and you’re left feeling dehydrated and sore and you didn’t even do anything.  (Side side note: I once left the east coast and headed west returning later intending to save enough money to fix my car, buy a pair of Doc Martens and move to Albuquerque.  (This was well before “Breaking Bad” so not only to I get style points for the footwear, I also get premonition hipster points on the nod to Albuquerque.)  Before I could get out-of-town, love happened and here I am with Spouse, Boy, NY and all the black clothing a person could ever want in sizes ranging from “happy/thin/in love” to “winter/carbs/pale.”)  As for mass transit, Los Angeles has a system second only to Paris, London, Japan, China, India, Mexico, Chicago, Boston, DC, The Netherlands, Germany, Italy, Chile and walking in a group.

Celebrities go to LA Dodger games.  Yes, celebrities go to NY Yankee games too but they don’t wear khakis with pastel sweaters knotted around their shoulders (I mean you Dustin Hoffman, Monday, October 14).  New Yorkers wear coats and hats and mittens sometimes; and they’re cold and (often) wet and tired of spending $10 for crappy beer but at least they’re there to root and fight and WIN!  (Mostly fight!  Especially in the seats I can afford.)  New Yorkers do not attend playoff games to be entertained or distracted from the so-so reviews of their directorial debut (again, Mr. Hoffman and “Quartet“).

Finally, if Los Angeles wins, St. Louis loses.  And that would leave Missouri with only the St. Louis Rams (who last won an NFL championship in 1999) and the St. Louis Blues which is a hockey team so no one cares.

Can’t we just let St. Louis win the NLCS until the Phillies return next year?  (Additional back story: the author was born in Pennsylvania.)

Oh, the Cards can’t win The Series.  Detroit must win the championship.  The city needs our help.  Imagine waking up each day knowing that the last wonderful thing to come out of Michigan, besides Eminem (scheduled to appear on SNL on November 2), and Jack White (frequent Colbert Report guest) was The J.  Geils “Live Full House” album and I’m pretty sure that I’m the only person who bought it.  I feel you Detroit.

Won’t you help a city like Detroit and root for the Tigers?  With your help we can bring back this city where the trees are the right height.

I did my part when I bought the J.  Geils, again, on CD.

What can I say?  “First I Look at the Purse” (Robert Rogers/Smokey Robinson) is a classic.

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