No good story ever started with ________

31 Dec

blog image gilleys

“One time I was in Texas and….”

for my east coast friends this ends in either a fight in which beer, Mexican food and a woman is involved or with a police escort to the state line (sometimes both).  If you’re lucky, the fight happens at a place that requires patrons to check their guns upon entering.  While visiting The Lone Star State, you are free to carry all the concealed library cards you want.  Whether folks in Texas use library cards or read is unclear.

“I’m just going to pop into IKEA and…”

never come out.  Or at least never come out empty-handed.  Even if you buy only Svalka and Dryck Julmust (an auto-correct nightmare for sure), there’s no escaping the umlaut.  And if the meatballs don’t lure you in, the öersattlig napkins will.  In any case, there’s no “popping” into IKEA.  If you enter, you will spend both time and money buying items like weirdberry preserves that will sit on the kitchen shelf for a few years until one of you throws them away.  (PS: the shelf is a Fjalkinge and is ready for the trash alsö.)

“Why do you always…”

always what?  If I’m so busy constantly, eternally and perpetually doing whatever (kudos thesauras.com), how am I able to type (and online shop) right now?  Your question just went from defensive to expensive as you know that I can only deal with confrontation when sharply dressed.  Even my limited yoga and meditation practice has taught me that there are no absolutes.  Speaking of which, I positively must sign up for more Ashtanga classes.  And book a facial while I’m in town.  Definitely.

“Canadians have a word for this…”

well Canadians have a word for everything but can they drive?  Even my limited long-distance driving experience has taught me that Quebecers are the worst.  All summer, from New York State to the Jersey shore to the top of Maine, there they are either meandering in the left lane or zooming up all willy-nilly like in the right lane while loosely towing a pop up camper or some other clunky thing behind them and will then pull in front of you with only one working brakelight- like a little red eye winking as if to ask “how’s that affordable care act working out for ya?”  Meanwhile, The Boy (now eligible for his driving permit) is closely observing and asking questions like, “if the left foot works the clutch and the right foot works the other pedals, when am I supposed to shake it all about?”  We Americans have a word for Canadians and it’s not “Canadians.”

“Mom, no one wants to see you twerk.”

an actual sentence spoken by The Boy last week.  (He continued by saying that he felt weird even using the words “Mom” and “twerk” in a sentence but it had to be said.)

and finally,

“Haven’t we all had enough twerking?”

unless, of course, what we’re all really saying is “it’s 2014 already and time we all got back t’ werk.”  In which case, pass me my sledgehammer, I agree.

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