How To Name Your Pet

12 Aug

blog image mallorca

I never wanted the stray cat with the chopped off tail to become ours.  Especially since I knew that other neighbors were already calling him “Lucky,” yet those same neighbors refused to address the chopped off bloody tail so, how’s that for irony?

Which brings us to the whole going to the vet issue.

You probably didn’t think that there even was a going to the vet issue but, as someone who has previously found issues with going to the dentist (Tractor Supply-esque music in the waiting room, really?) and late book fines at the Free Public Library, I assure you, going to the vet is a thing too.

Mostly it’s when your pet is summoned and the technician acts as if there is more than one “Lucky” with a chopped tail in the waiting room.  So you offer how you weren’t responsible for naming him, in fact, you’re just here to fix the tail and release him back into the wild to which the vet tech replies that they “hate when animals are named Lucky because, actually, they usually aren’t.”

So in attempt to add some gravitas to the name “Lucky,” (although the producers of “King of the Hill” have certainly helped by having musician Tom Petty voice their character named “Lucky”), I now register the cat with a hyphenated last name that sounds exotic and intriguing.  Like the child of two self-important parents vying for top billing, I insist that the vet call him Lucky Doodles-Majorca.

And should they call out to the waiting room: “Lucky?…Lucky Doodles?”  I won’t respond.  After a noticeable pause, I’ll inquire: “I’m sorry.  Did you mean “Lucky Doodles-Majorca?  With a hyphen?” because a: I can and b: it’s righteous.  And that puffed up, flea-bitten, stump-tailed cat who just drooled a ribbon of spittle through the carrier and onto the floor knows that I’m right and begins to feel a sense of pride and self-worth.  And that’s before he even licks himself.

I picked “Majorca” because that is my go-to run away spot.  If I ever am reported missing, that’s where you’ll find me.  With flights from Newark starting as low as $1128- thanks Expedia!  (I picked “Doodles” because there is no finer snack.)

Which brings me to the point of today’s post: give your pet a moniker that instills pride in the animal and, also, will not embarrass you should you ever have to shout it out.   Names like: “Ernest Hemingway,” “Juan Valdez,” “James Earl Jones” and “Lou Reed” work while neither “Matthew” nor “McConaughey” nor “Matthew McConaughey” do.

If all else fails, go with two puppies and name them “Lennon” and “McCartney.”  If there’s a runt, call him “Ringo.”

You can always opt for the unofficial name of every pet that has ever run into the road: “Jesus Christ!,” “Jesus H. Christ!” or “Jesus H. Christ-Majorca.”  Your call.

PS: he’s been with us for eight years.

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One Response to “How To Name Your Pet”

  1. ydaf August 18, 2014 at 11:18 pm #

    Jesus H. Christ, give the cat a break,.

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