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How To Name Your Pet

12 Aug

blog image mallorca

I never wanted the stray cat with the chopped off tail to become ours.  Especially since I knew that other neighbors were already calling him “Lucky,” yet those same neighbors refused to address the chopped off bloody tail so, how’s that for irony?

Which brings us to the whole going to the vet issue.

You probably didn’t think that there even was a going to the vet issue but, as someone who has previously found issues with going to the dentist (Tractor Supply-esque music in the waiting room, really?) and late book fines at the Free Public Library, I assure you, going to the vet is a thing too.

Mostly it’s when your pet is summoned and the technician acts as if there is more than one “Lucky” with a chopped tail in the waiting room.  So you offer how you weren’t responsible for naming him, in fact, you’re just here to fix the tail and release him back into the wild to which the vet tech replies that they “hate when animals are named Lucky because, actually, they usually aren’t.”

So in attempt to add some gravitas to the name “Lucky,” (although the producers of “King of the Hill” have certainly helped by having musician Tom Petty voice their character named “Lucky”), I now register the cat with a hyphenated last name that sounds exotic and intriguing.  Like the child of two self-important parents vying for top billing, I insist that the vet call him Lucky Doodles-Majorca.

And should they call out to the waiting room: “Lucky?…Lucky Doodles?”  I won’t respond.  After a noticeable pause, I’ll inquire: “I’m sorry.  Did you mean “Lucky Doodles-Majorca?  With a hyphen?” because a: I can and b: it’s righteous.  And that puffed up, flea-bitten, stump-tailed cat who just drooled a ribbon of spittle through the carrier and onto the floor knows that I’m right and begins to feel a sense of pride and self-worth.  And that’s before he even licks himself.

I picked “Majorca” because that is my go-to run away spot.  If I ever am reported missing, that’s where you’ll find me.  With flights from Newark starting as low as $1128- thanks Expedia!  (I picked “Doodles” because there is no finer snack.)

Which brings me to the point of today’s post: give your pet a moniker that instills pride in the animal and, also, will not embarrass you should you ever have to shout it out.   Names like: “Ernest Hemingway,” “Juan Valdez,” “James Earl Jones” and “Lou Reed” work while neither “Matthew” nor “McConaughey” nor “Matthew McConaughey” do.

If all else fails, go with two puppies and name them “Lennon” and “McCartney.”  If there’s a runt, call him “Ringo.”

You can always opt for the unofficial name of every pet that has ever run into the road: “Jesus Christ!,” “Jesus H. Christ!” or “Jesus H. Christ-Majorca.”  Your call.

PS: he’s been with us for eight years.

Has it really been a year?

12 Jul

It’s true- a whole year of FA&S and how did you ever exist without it?

Still, we are fortunate that as fresh air becomes more and more difficult to find, sarcasm can be found virtually everywhere- like Oprah.  You can find sarcasm in Hawaii, Italy, Chicago and even hanging out with Deepak Chopra in India (May, 2012).

In fact, every time a fat person slips on ice, Janeane Garofalo gets her wings.

All you have to do is listen, and before long, people will say the most inane things like: “that wasn’t just any NASCAR race.”

Or visit Wal-Marts (the “s” has been added intentionally) on a weekend morning and watch: sarcasm is often generated by the things we see.  There have been Saturdays when I have longed for an astigmatism or a hot poker.  Has Dr. Seuss not yet written “Oh, the Thongs You’ll See!”? Excerpt:

Somehow you’ll wind up downtown at the Mart.

You’ll find men without teeth and beer in their cart.

Wherever you go, wherever you turn,

you’ll learn things you wish you could quickly unlearn.

And IF you should go there, do you turn left or right?

Grown men in thongs are an unpleasant sight.

Oh!  So are women with boobs hanging galore,

and people touching food with raw, open sores.

From New York to San Francisco to Bentonville, Arkansas-

you’ll never be able to unsee what you saw.

And so, as we* here at FA&S enter our second year of telling it like it is and (sometimes) wishing it were otherwise, we wish for you- nothing.  (If we’re gonna use up a wish, it’s going to be on ourselves.)

Happy Anniversary** FA&S!

*  You do know that “we” is just me, right?

** Who’s happy?

O, Hawaii!

24 Jul

Dear Ms. Winfrey:

I have been meaning to write for a while.

I cannot afford to buy your magazine but my mom gives me her copies when she has finished reading them- they are usually out of sync and occasionally missing pages, but every so often the copy I’m reading coincides with the current time of year and I feel like I’ve won a prize.  It is extra nice to sit outside on a humid July afternoon contemplating “Fresh, Sweet Summer Dessert Recipes” or learning about the latest income tax loopholes in March.

So please forgive me if my timing is off.  I recently read your column (recent for me, not you) where you wrote about ways you unwind and get in touch with what makes you happy, with what brings you joy.  You wrote glowingly about how hiking in the hills with your dogs near your house in Hawaii always gives you a renewed perspective and hope for the future.

Owning hills in Hawaii can be stressful.  “Where to hike today?  How long to hike for?  What if the hike leaves me feeling dissatisfied?  And, if I’m so busy hiking in the hills of Hawaii, when will I have time to hike in the hills of my other properties?”  are just some of the many concerns that can suck the mindfulness right out of you.

I empathize, Ms. Winfrey.  There are days when I can feel my inner bliss erode as I am forced to ask myself such annoying questions as: “Will the car start today?  How long until the car dies again?  And, if the car does run, will we have money for gas?”

Often the uncertainties of life become all that I have and hope for the future is, like your magazine, a luxury I can’t afford.

This I know for sure.

Today’s complaint

10 Jul

Bagels were buy 6, get 6 free today at the Food King.  My husband bought four.

He said that he only needed four.

Unless he dies within three days, he was wrong.

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