Tag Archives: cooking

Have It Your Way

3 Oct

Who suddenly has to go the hardware at 6:30 on a Sunday night?

The Boy hadn’t even broken anything in the house yet – neither a drawer nor a pane of glass- and just like that Spouse needs “parts”?  The hardware store isn’t even open on Sunday.

This can only mean one thing:

a.  Spouse is having an affair with a woman at the hardware store.

b.  Spouse is having an affair with a MAN at the hardware store.

c.  Spouse is having an affair and nobody works at the hardware store but the hardware store is important somehow.

d.  Spouse went to Burger King.

I choose D.

While I am fairly certain that Spouse would not have an affair, I am absolutely certain that I made Vegan Matzo Ball Soup for dinner on Sunday (side note: Vegan Matzo Ball Soup has earned a spot on my ongoing oxymoron list) and Spouse came home with onion rings on his breath.

Way to go Candle Cafe Cookbook- “substitute shredded potato for chicken fat,” serve for dinner, and not only is your husband guaranteed to leave you, he will fight for gustatorial custody of a boy who is destroying the house at a rate faster than you can fix it.

Mind you, I’m not bothered by the amount of work that goes into making Vegan Matzo Ball Soup: it’s a lot.  Tons of chopping and mincing for the broth alone without counting the trip back to the Food King for parsnips: those white, rooty-looking things that, prior to Sunday, have never been in my kitchen.  Or my life.  They’re like the Johnny Winter of carrots.

Like if we were on a game show and I had only three words with which to make you say parsnip, I would say: “Johnny.  Winter.  Carrot.”  And you would reply: “Oh!  I know those things!  They’re white carrots!  I see them in the store all the time!  They’re like the Johnny Winter of carrots!”

And we would lose.

What I am bothered by is Spouse’s unwillingness to admit to the affair.  If he would just acknowledge it outright, I could pack up some things for him and The Boy so that The Boy could immediately begin dinging the door jambs in Dad’s rental apartment.  It is a “broken home” after all.

Secondly, we all hated the soup.  By 7PM, The Boy was seen hiding in the pantry eating a Cliff Bar while his mom had 5 Chocolate Creme Newman-O’s less than an hour later.

But the lies and the deception…why?  Over a little bit of chicken fat?  Okay, lots of chicken fat, but still.

Did you even buy anything at the hardware store?  We’re out of mouse traps.

What Summer Means to Me (hint: it’s neither flip flops nor frisbee although frisbee is awesome and flip flops are gross)

7 Jun

In a word, mayonnaise.  And that’s if I’m feeling fancy.

Otherwise, mayo.

Unless I need a dose of moral superiority, then it’s Vegenaise.

Full fat, not light and definitely not a whip or a dressing.  You miracle people know who you are and you are wrong.

Summer is potato salad, mac salad and tomato sandwiches.

Maybe a BLT.  Followed by a hammock.

Opt for fake bacon and your superior points increase.

Grow your own lettuce for triple point score.  Grow your own arugula and you win.

And that’s what summer is about.  Beating the pants off my neighbors in a food/relaxation challenge.

Game on.

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