Tag Archives: David Lee Roth

*WWDLRD?

15 Oct

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I know it’s wrong to base your life’s philosophy on a Van Halen song but sometimes you just have to jump.

Might as well.

And things turned out okay for David Lee Roth, right?

The thing about jumping is, at some point, you’re going to land.

Now before you yell at me for going to the ER with a broken toe, let me just say that I went to the ER not only because I hurt my toe, but, also, because I have an awesome shoe collection.

And while it is true that I was jumping and demonstrating some old cheerleader moves while wearing someone else’s shoes, it is also true that anyone can walk a mile in a stranger’s shoes.  It takes a warrior to herkey.  (What?  You didn’t know that I was once a cheerleader?  Surely my peppy attitude, unsinkable optimism, and amazing yelling capacity gave it away.)

Go Spouse!  Go!  (I mean it.  Just go.)

So one copay and an X-ray later, here I am.

Getting up while at the same time, having nothing get me down.

And that, my friends, answers the question: *What Would David Lee Roth Do?

 

Happy Anniversary, Fresh Air and Sarcasm!

12 Jul

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Well, it’s been two years or as my publicist would say: “FA&S enters third year of earth-moving, world-changing, mind-altering goodness!”

Side note: my publicist leans toward hyperbole.

Side side note: until recently, The Boy pronounced it “hyper-bowl.”  Like a trophy match for the most caffeinated kid.

Additional side note: I have no publicist.

Still, more than 115 published bits of sarcasm and, despite our efforts, we have yet to be sued by: David Sedaris, Dave Barry, Oprah Winfrey, David Lee Roth, Wolf Blitzer, my mother, Hellman’s Mayonnaise, Rand McNally, Alex Trebek, Lance Armstrong, Donald Trump, Judd Apatow, David Lynch, Karl Marx, Adam Sandler, Tom Arnold, The Drifters, Bono, Dire Straits, Priceline.com, Dane Cook, my mother, Taylor Swift, New Zealand, Nabisco, Bailey’s Irish Cream, a Kardashian, James Sacket, Cliff Bars, Eminem, Janeane Garafalo, yoga, Entenmann’s, Cyndi Lauper, Vitamix, The Girl Scouts of America, Santa or my mother.

That’s an impressive list which, to me, says two things: either everybody loves FA&S or everybody really likes FA&S and the love will eventually follow.  In the cases of Tom Arnold and David Lee Roth, however, I think that if they had the money, a lawsuit would only help revive their- oh, how I am loath to use this word here- careers.

Notice that I am eager to use the expression “I am loath” because, really, how often does one get the opportunity to actually be loath?  Answer: infrequently.  (Additional answers include: extraordinarily, only just, sporadically, seldom and, for our Spanish readers, rara vez because, really, how often does one get to use those words either?)

And words, after all, are the reason we are here.

I don’t mean that words are the reason that we, as a species, are here.  (Yea, right.  Millions of years ago caveman says to cavewoman: “go fix me a dirty martini” and BAM! three more of those later, a species is created.  PS: the martini was dirty due to early cave hygiene practices.)

What I mean is that we (okay, you) have read thus far because of something in the words (it’s either sarcasm dust or bits of organic compost imported from Oprah’s new hobby farm) and I thank you for your loyalty.  Sincerely.

But not too sincerely.  That would be wrong.

On Why it’s Raining (Still)

7 Jun

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Why is the weather so horrible?

Because here’s why:

on the last blazing, hot and humid day to date (Saturday, June 1, but who’s keeping score?) I may have been crazy from the heat (bonus points if you noted the reference to David Lee Roth’s 1985 EP titled “Crazy from the Heat.”  And how do I know this?  It’s the EP on which he destroyed The Beach Boys “California Girls.” And when I say “destroyed” I mean “ruined” as in: “trashed,” “mocked” and “it’s no wonder he was busted buying a $5 bag of pot in Washington Square Park shortly thereafter; he stinks”) and I decided right then, on hot and humid Saturday, June 1, to put ALL the window screens in so that when the cool and dry breezes arrived, we would be able to partake of them.

And while I may have decided to install window screens immediately, I didn’t actually get to it until after I had coffee, yelled at The Boy and checked 6pm.com to see if any Kork-Ease sandals were on sale (because when the breezes do come, enjoying them in a lightweight and comfortable wedge is way more pleasant knowing that the shoes were 50% off (or more) with free shipping).

Note: yelling at The Boy is what happens on weekends when morning becomes afternoon and I have gotten nothing done and now it’s even hotter and all the funky, cheap Kork-Ease sandals are not available in size 9 but I have somehow convinced myself that a discounted BØRN or DANSKO sandal will be fine even though I know that they’re not as stylish and why is it so damn hot in here?

Update: it’s been rainy and cold since the screens went in.  It’s too soggy to wear the runner-up shoes, another weekend is upon us and I have a sore throat which means there will be limited yelling at The Boy.

I suppose I could check online to see if there are any snow tires on sale but the last time I bought snow tires and had them mounted, balanced and installed, we didn’t get snow for an entire winter, not even ice.

Also the tick population exploded, the plants all got sunburned and I didn’t wear the fabulous moonboots that I bought at Zappos.com even once.

I suppose if I want to make the sun come out, I just need to buy an umbrella.

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