Tag Archives: Halloween

Halloween Costume Idea #1

1 Aug

blog image prince

With Halloween just 93 days away, the time to start your costume is now.  Once September rolls around and the kids are back in school five glorious, albeit too short, days a week, you’ll be so busy with organizing and cleaning and vodka and such that before you know it, Sugar Day will be here and those 3-5 pounds aren’t just going to gain themselves.  They require a costume.

For the moment, I am considering the following:

1.  Dress in all purple.

2.  When someone asks if you’re an eggplant, first, congratulate them for not assuming that you are a grape or raisin or Prince circa 1982; so cliché.

3.  Next, inform them that, technically, if you were to go trick or treating as an eggplant, you would, instead, dress as an aubergine as you are still feeling the effects of your summer vacation in Paris.  (Basically the difference between an eggplant costume and an aubergine costume is a scarf.  And you thought I was going to say ” beret” right?  Americans; so cliché.)

4.  If people on the street believe that you are an eggplant, there’s no reason to let them know that your original intent was to dress as a varicose vein in an attempt to connect your Halloween costume to your life or that the migraine costume you had envisioned ended up looking like a sausage that was beaten with a hammer then hot-glued to a baseball cap.  (Which is kind of what a migraine makes your head feel like.  Now just add The Boy’s drum practice.)

5.  And while the varicose vein costume would help explain my weird body shape, scant muscle tone and surly attitude, the eggplant costume conjures up essences of silky, fragrant Ratatouille and mysterious and spicy Bangan ka Bhurta from exotic lands.

Besides, isn’t the best part of Halloween pretending to be someone you’re not?  A silky, exotic dish for you, and for me it’s dressing as a gainfully employed individual, a halfway decent cook, or someone-who-can-just-be-on-time-once-in-a-while-and-not-make-everyone-else-wait-for-her-damn-it because, according to Spouse and Boy, I am none of these.

Notice that in the above list I did not include coupon warrior, grammar czar, cliché police or Banshee because, on any given day, I can be ALL of these.  At once.  (I’m talking to you Food King cashier who recently told me that my coupons were valid “only on this coming past Tuesday” and that she “could care less” if I screamed like a, well, you know.)

So be the eggplant, the vein, the dried plum even.  Purple is still trending for fall and its slimming effects are noteworthy.  Plus, when paired with navy, it seems fresh and sophisticated.

(Side note: the artist formerly known, then reknown, and now just sort of unknown as Prince, and captain of all things purple (and rainy), is now 55 years old and will become eligible for Social Security in just 7 years.)

Now get out there and get working on your costume before the opportunity to be someone else, someone wonderful, is gone.

Until December.  When we get to overspend, overeat and undersleep while baking cookies, wrapping presents, donning gay apparel and drinking vodka and such for a bunch of ingrates who want, more than anything, for us to go back to being the Reese’s-scarfing, licorice-stealing, vodka-drinking varicose veins who we set out to be.

I hate Christmas.

PS: Only 148 days until then too.

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Me:0 Universe:1

21 Nov

Let it be known that this occurred well before Halloween or, as I think of it, “Never Again Day.”  Because never, ever again will I allow The Boy and his friends to eat as much candy as they want and then invite all the kids over to hang out while their parents run out for a “quick bite.”  One kid was here until 9:45PM because his parents ran out of “gas.”  And I suppose they couldn’t use their “cell phone” because they were too busy walking along the side of the “road.”  Never.  Again.

In retail, Halloween marks the beginning of “54 days of Rudeness” or “Good Luck Trying to get Someone to Help you Find That in Your Size.”  (Yes John at Colonie Macy*s, you totally sucked the joy out of a fabulous sale in the shoe department and for that you will never be forgiven.  Never.)

My point is this: what you are about to read happened a while ago which is significant because while lately it seems as though everyone is thinking about gifts, back when this happened, I was the only one.  (Maintaining a cutting edge status is very important to me.  Also, I like gifts.)

I woke up wishing, no, hoping, eh…maybe more like wishing, hard to tell.  Those words are so similar, really, it’s just an age difference between them.  Wishing is a younger version of hoping.  Wishing is what kids do.  Hoping is what folks old enough to vote for Obama do.  But I digress.  A lot.  That isn’t a question; it’s a fact.  Digressing is what I do.

Either way, I woke up wanting a present.  Just a present.  Something that I had absolutely no part in the procurement thereof.  I didn’t shop for it, I didn’t plan for it.  I didn’t carry it to the car or even bring it in the house.  I never even thought about it.  It was just there for me and it was delightful, no, wonderful, eh… awesome.  It was awesome.  And it was mine.

I asked the universe to bring me something and I realize now that I should have been more specific.

The Boy was bitten by a dog later that day.  Also noteworthy: this was well before the ax/leg chopping incident of November 14th.  (I wasn’t even speaking to the universe that day.)

So yeah, I asked for and received a story but that’s not what I wanted.

“The Boy was Attacked and All I Got was This Lousy Blog Post.”

Although as blog posts go, it’s not that bad.  (See “digression” above.)

I’m thinking that maybe some ice cream in a dish or a plant in a pot would have been nice.

Screw you Universe; this isn’t over yet.

Trick or Treat- here’s my policy

31 Oct

Take candy from a stranger?  No problem.  If it’s chocolate, I’ll eat it right there, straight pins and all.  Unless:

the house smells like cigarette smoke or pee,

has a ferret or senior living in it. (I will ask.)

Is creepy.

Has trademarked character or “Believe,” “Believe in Yourself,” or “Life is a Journey” type flags displayed on the premises (also creepy).

Has a chain link fence around the yard with a pit bull size spot dug out underneath.

Hands out anything homemade.  Do you have any idea how much human touching goes into making popcorn balls?  Gross.

I will not visit a house that gives out dimes

or asks me to perform a trick

or makes me do a trick and then gives me a dime.  (In my neighborhood, this was the Hoffman family.  They also confiscated our baseballs when they landed in their yard.  They were jerks and they never adjusted for inflation.)

I will not accept candy from a house that has overflowing garbage cans out front when it’s not even “Garbage Eve” or

has icicle lights hanging from the gutters all year long.  (This clause applies only to icicle lights.  Regular lights may hang year round in case of a Cinco de Mayo emergency.)

Is where the god people live.

Look, it’s my policy, not yours.  You don’t like it, get your own candy.

Breakfast of Champions

2 Nov

Halloween was just two days ago and the candy bowl is quite full.

As of 11:30AM I have eaten:

a bowl of oatmeal with banana, walnuts and chia seeds

two “fun size” Heath bars*

two pieces of Hubba Bubba bubble gum

one glass of water

a Kit Kat bar and

a Snickers bar.

And really, the oatmeal and the water were just for show.  The Reese’s peanut butter cups will be served with dinner.

*Can I just add that “fun size” is a ridiculous notion?  Here’s what’s fun: screaming your head off while sitting in the front seat of a turn of the century, rickety, wooden roller coaster alongside a kid who gets nauseous at the sight of roller coasters but has decided that today is the day he will ride.  After he just drank a big glass of milk.

Kinda makes a .50 oz. piece of candy look wimpy.  Even if you eat 6 or more in a row (with breakfast).

Trick or Treat- here’s my policy

17 Oct

Take candy from a stranger?  No problem.  If it’s chocolate, I’ll eat it right there, straight pins and all.  Unless the house:

smells like cigarette smoke or pee;

has a ferret or senior living in it. (I will ask.)

is creepy.

has trademarked character or “Believe,” “Believe in Yourself,” or “Life is a Journey”-type flags displayed on the premises (also creepy.)

has a chain link fence around the yard with a pit bull size spot dug out underneath.

hands out anything homemade.  Do you have any idea how much human handling goes into making popcorn balls?  Gross.

I will not visit a house that gives out dimes

or asks me to perform a trick

or makes me do a trick and then gives me a dime.  (In my neighborhood, this was the Hoffman family; they were also the ones who confiscated our baseballs when they landed in their yard.  They were jerks and they never adjusted for inflation.)

I will not accept candy from a house that has overflowing garbage cans out front and it’s not even “Garbage Eve”

or has icicle lights hanging from the gutters- all year round.  (This clause applies only to the icicle lights.  Regular lights may remain year round in case of a Cinco de Mayo emergency.)

or is where the god people live.

Look, it’s my policy, not yours.  Get your own candy.

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