Tag Archives: juice cleanse

Lessons Recently Learned (or “Shake it down. Shake it down now.”)

6 Feb

blog image commodores

When the trooper asks why you think he pulled over, do not respond with: “isn’t that YOUR job?”

Never go on a three-day juice cleanse and then slather yourself with cake-scented lotion right before bed on Day One.  You may wake up to ragged cuticles and the uncertainty as to whether the first day even counted due to unintentional meat consumption.  Also, never book air travel while on Day Two as receiving an upgrade via frequent flyer miles may cause you to weep.  Everything makes you weep on Day Two.  Like memories of having chewed, for example.

When The Boy brings home a bad report card, do not accuse him of not trying hard as he will eventually yell that while  he was, in fact, trying, he simply wasn’t trying “hard enough!”  Oh sure- now he understands modifiers.

Even though everyone saw “Les Miserables,” only a small percentage of the population (me) appreciates having everyday conversations sung in opera voice.  Sue me for thinking that “you take that wet, used towel and you put it in the wash.  One more dawn.   One more day.  One day more!” would be received more favorably when vocally expressed with massive vibrato.  Likewise to the Food King cashier who couldn’t wrap her brain around “Do you hear the people sing?  Singing the songs of angry men.  They’re frustrated coupon shoppers who will not be fooled again.”  (PS: Anne Hathaway could use a sandwich.)

Finally, if the trooper repeats the question “do you know why I pulled you over?” answering “was I doing 36 in a 24-36, what a winning hand?” and following with some mighty mighty dance moves just makes him tug the tie wraps tighter.

We’re Off To See The Doctor

19 Dec

blog image oscar the grouch

Everyone needs an easily distracted friend.

Tina is the reason for my recent 3 Day Detox Diet.

Apparently, what began as an online search for tickets to “Wicked” ended with Tina standing on my porch with a bag of “food” (pineapple, green apple, spinach, flax, coconut oil, avocado, kale, bananas, more kale, etc.) while visions of boundless energy and flat bellies danced in her head.  Thank you, Celebrity Doctor.

Anyway, as a firm believer (see, parts of me are already firm) in being able to withstand anything for three days, I signed on.

And all was fine until Day One lunch which, like breakfast, was made in a blender.  (Let me pause for one second here to mention the significant amount of blender washing that ensued.  On the other hand, I didn’t clean anything else (or chew) for three days.)

Lunch was celery, pineapple, green apple, a cucumber, a lime, coconut oil and almond milk blended into one intensely beautiful green mass.  How it maintained its blender shape when plated was amazing.  And knowing that the color came from real foods versus a chemistry lab was inspiring.

Sadly, a Detoxer cannot eat only shapes and colors which is a bummer because Day One lunch did, if fact, have a Sesame Street aura about it and by that I mean it tasted like how I imagine Oscar the Grouch would taste (without salt).

He’s the one who lives in a garbage can right?  Sure, on the outside he’s all bright, happy, fibrous green.  But on the inside?  Trash and bitterness.   Enjoy.

By the end of Day Two, I had mastered the art of consuming lunch in four hideously large, icy-cold gulps.  Because nothing’s better than seventy-two hours of Upstate New York winter and a supply of icy-cold liquids (only) to keep you fueled.

Winter in Upstate New York is where melting cheese on things was invented for crying out loud.  Sometimes, when winter seems cruel and never-ending, we lift our spirits by melting two or more cheeses together and serving with pretzels and breadsticks.

We know that surviving winter means eating carbs (which are often served with tequila and lime).

Speaking of crying out loud, Day Three arrived.

By now I was emotionally attached to my blender.  Like when training a puppy, I was obligated to be near the blender every three hours or so.  Also like a puppy, the Detox Diet makes you pee a lot- just not while jumping up on people.  (Oh!  If ever oh ever a wiz there was!)

Still, my energy level was high and my skin glowed.   (Did I mention the required nightly lavender bath soaks?  They’re required.  As in: “leave Mommy alone!  She has to take a required nightly lavender bath soak.  Your mother is detoxing for crying out loud!”)

Speaking of crying out loud, I called Tina early on Day Three.  She was having coffee (with cream and sugar) having quit the Detox Diet after the mango/cayenne dinner shake on Day One.  Day One.

And yet somehow, by the time my final bath had been drawn, Tina, as the result of another internet search for “music theory-dyads,” had purchased the entire Insanity workout DVD series having convinced herself that she can withstand anything for sixty days.

We start Monday.

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