Tag Archives: Kardashian

Happy Anniversary, Fresh Air and Sarcasm!

12 Jul

IMG_20130702_132627_075

Well, it’s been two years or as my publicist would say: “FA&S enters third year of earth-moving, world-changing, mind-altering goodness!”

Side note: my publicist leans toward hyperbole.

Side side note: until recently, The Boy pronounced it “hyper-bowl.”  Like a trophy match for the most caffeinated kid.

Additional side note: I have no publicist.

Still, more than 115 published bits of sarcasm and, despite our efforts, we have yet to be sued by: David Sedaris, Dave Barry, Oprah Winfrey, David Lee Roth, Wolf Blitzer, my mother, Hellman’s Mayonnaise, Rand McNally, Alex Trebek, Lance Armstrong, Donald Trump, Judd Apatow, David Lynch, Karl Marx, Adam Sandler, Tom Arnold, The Drifters, Bono, Dire Straits, Priceline.com, Dane Cook, my mother, Taylor Swift, New Zealand, Nabisco, Bailey’s Irish Cream, a Kardashian, James Sacket, Cliff Bars, Eminem, Janeane Garafalo, yoga, Entenmann’s, Cyndi Lauper, Vitamix, The Girl Scouts of America, Santa or my mother.

That’s an impressive list which, to me, says two things: either everybody loves FA&S or everybody really likes FA&S and the love will eventually follow.  In the cases of Tom Arnold and David Lee Roth, however, I think that if they had the money, a lawsuit would only help revive their- oh, how I am loath to use this word here- careers.

Notice that I am eager to use the expression “I am loath” because, really, how often does one get the opportunity to actually be loath?  Answer: infrequently.  (Additional answers include: extraordinarily, only just, sporadically, seldom and, for our Spanish readers, rara vez because, really, how often does one get to use those words either?)

And words, after all, are the reason we are here.

I don’t mean that words are the reason that we, as a species, are here.  (Yea, right.  Millions of years ago caveman says to cavewoman: “go fix me a dirty martini” and BAM! three more of those later, a species is created.  PS: the martini was dirty due to early cave hygiene practices.)

What I mean is that we (okay, you) have read thus far because of something in the words (it’s either sarcasm dust or bits of organic compost imported from Oprah’s new hobby farm) and I thank you for your loyalty.  Sincerely.

But not too sincerely.  That would be wrong.

We’re Gonna Need a Better Back-Up Plan

18 Apr

I bought a mega millions ticket.

You know things are tight if I buy a lottery ticket, singular.  Finances may be dire but that doesn’t make me a fool.  One lottery ticket is fine; it’s a tiny dream- like wishing on one star for 161 million other stars to align.  A bundle of lottery tickets is a desperation move and if I were going to take that route, I would buy myself a $100 dollar pair of Skechers Shape Up Toning Shoes and develop a Plan B that features my improved bottom and pays me money for it (or have the Kardashians beaten me to it?)

Plan C includes consulting the Feng Shui book then cleaning all the windows in the house.  According Feng Shui, money cannot find its way into your home if the windows are dirty.  On the plus side, neither can Jehovah’s Witnesses- all you have to do is duck below the grime and whisper.

But I’m not worried- I’m too busy being what my workforce counselor calls “proactive.”  “Pro” from the Latin indicating “favoring”  and “activ” from an infomercial meaning “acne control.”  My employment counselor has great skin.

Besides, there are always scratch-offs which, as of today, equate to $500 A Week LESS for Life (for me).  I swear, as soon as the boy turns 18, I’m buying the “For Life” lottery tickets for him, The Prince of Longevity.

I call that Plan W.  As in “What becomes of Grown Ups with English Degrees?”

%d bloggers like this: