Tag Archives: mom

Dear FA&S Reader

30 Jan

blog image eggplant sub

Dear FA&S Reader:

Thank you for stopping by our table at the Pizza King to say hello.  Even nicer was how you acknowledged Spouse and Boy and apologized for interrupting our dinner.  But the best part, by far, was when you quoted my work by reading some of your favorite passages aloud.  Loud.  With raw emotion (and volume):

“Next thing you know, your mom…wants to congratulate you on your pregnancy and find out why you couldn’t call to tell her- that she had to find out while on-line at the Food King is a sin.”  (March 14, 2012)

“If you give your mom a bagel, she’ll want a gated community to go with it.”  (May 10, 2012)

“I had the best childhood ever.  No complaints.”  (I never wrote that.)

And while during dinner at the Pizza King was not the first time I have been approached by a “fan,” it was the first time I have ever spoken to one while scarfing down an eggplant parm sub: it was messy.  In my defense, I was hungry and no one invited you over anyway.

Dear FA&S Reader, what I mean to say is this:

You have my home number, my cell number and my email address.

If I am at the Pizza King I really am unable to take your calls.

The Boy is fine, Spouse is fine, we’re all fine.  Fine, fine, fine.

I’ll call you tomorrow, alright?

Oh- and thanks for reading, Ma.  It’s your job.

If You Give Your Mom a Bagel

10 May

If you give your mom a bagel, she’ll want a gated community to go with it.

She’ll sell the house in which you were raised (at an awesome recession-defying price) and find a bunch of like-minded seniors to share manicured lawns and prohibit swing sets with.

She’ll ask for some cream cheese.  To get the cream cheese you will drive around the Food King until you find a pull-through spot.  (No one backs up here; it’s too dangerous.  Mrs. Gershon had a fender bender last week and she beeps the horn before she even starts the car.)

After eating the cream cheese, she’ll want to walk off the calories (what?  It would’ve killed you to get low-fat?)  At the fitness center, one of the residents will tell you that jogging, no matter how slow, violates the treadmill speed limit which is embarrassing because:

a.  your husband says that you look like Jerry Lewis when you run and,

b.  you are way too sweaty for someone moving oh so slow.  So you and mom will leave.

On the way home, she’ll spot an unauthorized lawn ornament in the neighbor’s yard.  She’ll want to report it to the Front Desk.

She’ll ask you for a pen and paper to fill out the complaint.  You will have neither because everyone today uses an iphone to send complaints.

So she’ll want an iphone of her own.

You have to take her to the Apple store.

When she is all finished, she’ll decide that “getyowza” is her favorite website because she and your father can dine out at significant savings in restaurants that are close to Bravo Living- An Adult Community which is nice because of all the recent automobile crashes (see above).

When the shopping is done, she’ll realize that she’s hungry.  She’ll ask if you want to stop at the diner where she’ll order a bagel.

And chances are, when she gets her bagel, she’ll want a security guard and some Mexican landscapers to go with it.

Happy Mother’s Day!

(I love my mom and bagels.  Just not together.)

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