Tag Archives: oreo

Look Ma, No Cavities!

20 Feb

blog image bitten oreo

The following life events forced me to threaten the dental hygienist:

#1: I was early.

#2: She was late.

That’s all.  But on the rare occasion when #1 does happen, my entire c’est la vie philosophy collapses and I focus, instead, on time wasted waiting at the dentist’s office.  Let’s see, twice a year @ 10 minutes per visit… well, that’s time I could happily squander thinking about joining a gym, snacking while trying to figure out what to eat or looking for my keys.  So I’m sure you understand my ire.

And so, after waiting a total of 25 minutes without being seen, it was time to pull out the big gun.  Just one.

After inquiring about the delay, I simply told reception that I would be “over there, eating Oreos while I wait.”

I got a cleaning and X-rays right away without ever having to remove the lid from my coffee or unwrap the tuna sub.

Six months from now, I’m packing Double Stuff.

School’s out. Pass the chocolate.

20 Jun

How can it be that the last day of school is tomorrow?

It seems like we were just singing “Auld Lang Syne.”  Remember New Year’s?  Passe already- the shoulder pads, leg warmers, Blondie, DALLAS.  Oh wait, that was 1982.  I hate when I lose decades.

Also no one, not even my parents, sings at midnight on January 1st because,

a:  they have been asleep since 9:00 and

b:  we are a tone-deaf people.  Birthday parties have been “family only” since my sister and I once tried to harmonize and, long story short, the dog ran away and Grandma shot hot coffee out of her nose.

So by as early as this Friday I may be expected to be at the town pool, in a bathing suit with a cooler full of snacks and nine weeks of “I’m bored” staring me in the face?  Whatever happened to summer school, truancy, letters sent home from the district and making up for “unauthorized absences?”  Do we even have a truancy officer anymore?  I really should attend more Board of Ed meetings- the school year needs to be made longer.  Effective immediately.

It can’t be June because I haven’t lost the New Year’s resolution weight yet.  I blame Nabisco.  The 100 calorie snack bags that I bought at the warehouse store on January 2nd were to help me realize when my “portion perceptions are misaligned.”  (I also purchased a diet/psychology book.)

Mini Oreos- ha!  They ought to call them Oxymoron Bites.  Now Mommy eats three bags instead of two cookies but she pays more per ounce (the irony is why she opens the third bag) and enjoys them less.  Way to go National Biscuit Company.

Is it wrong to hope for a rainy summer?

Or at least a rainy July?

By August I can get a spray tan, mani-pedi, haircut and enough Spanx and WonderFabric-infused swimwear to make it to September 5th.

Which may explain why my parents sang their heads off every September 4th throughout my childhood: from “Winchester Cathedral” to “Peggy Sue,” they harmonized, laughed and then sang some more.  And September 4th isn’t even anyone’s birthday.

Oh! Thou art so fair.

11 Aug

If ever there was a place to suspend judgement- dietary, culinary or fiscal, the  fair is it.

It’s not just the abundance of fried foods- from Oreos to PB&J sandwiches, it’s the fact that grown ups will pay $12 to enter the fair for the opportunity to eat fried Oreos and PB&J.

Did I type “and?”  I meant “or.”  That grown ups will pay $12 to eat deep-fried Oreos OR a deep-fried PB&J.  Certainly not both.  That would be unhealthy.

The fair is probably the one place where if my kid asks for something to eat, I just let him get it.  No argument.  This is the one time where I cannot counter with “I can make that for you at home, only better, for less” because I will not make a deep fried Oreo at home, my pizza will never turn out as soggy as the fair’s and a big cookie is just hard to resist.

Side note: favorite ride now and forever, the big slide.  Old school, low tech, competitive.  And a lower body workout- you must CLIMB the stairs to ride.

Additional side note: climbing the stairs to ride the slide does not burn off the calories associated with a deep-fried anything.

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