Tag Archives: refrigerator

Refrigerator Post

31 May

You know how sometimes you invite people over to dinner so that the house will get thoroughly cleaned?  (Not necessarily by me, you understand.)

I have also noticed that the only time that my refrigerator gets totally cleaned is just before vacation.  I find it easier to deal with the refrigerator when I’m already sweaty from cleaning litter boxes than to come home to dangerous mayo, moldy sauerkraut, or Coors Light.  The Coors Light was probably left by a well-meaning dinner guest (circa the last time the house was clean).

Also, I sometimes refer to spouse as “Moldy Sauerkraut” but only when I’m really mad.  Like while cleaning out the refrigerator.

I try not to think of cleaning the refrigerator as throwing money away.  I like to focus, instead, on the time wasted procuring the food. Time that I could have spent researching recipes, buying Le Creuset cookware from Williams-Sonoma and then becoming overwhelmed at the thought of it all and, instead, taking a nap.

So as vacation nears, I often employ my “make-do method” of nutrition.  Basically I halt all grocery shopping until our immediate food needs are assessed.  Items at, near or past expiration must be consumed first: I’m not about to throw away two-week old yogurt based on some random date that the grocer applied.  Don’t even get me started on “Best Before” dates.  I am at my best between 10 and 11AM but you don’t see people lining up to hang out with me then.  Sometimes life hands you lemons, juice or freeze them before they look like limes and all will be fine.

The closer the departure, the weirder the meals.  You know we’re leaving tomorrow when dinner is mango smoothie shots followed by assorted noodles of varying thickness in pesto/grape sauce.  If anyone is still hungry, there’s relish.

Consider yourselves warned.  A dinner invitation means this: the house will be clean and there will be food .  Not everyone may be eating the same things but the hot stuff will be hot and the cold stuff will be tepid.

I’ll be gone pass the beans.

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Maybe I’ll Become a Barrista

20 Oct

I rarely offer advice regarding employment.  I tend to stay in unpleasant employment situations long after the headiness of wielding power, bossing minions and firing incompetents has evaporated.  Oh wait, that’s Donald Trump, not me.  I eat pizza with my hands.

So here I am at the crossroads.  The advice-giving me is telling the hardworking-me that I need to quit my job like, yesterday, even in this economy.  (A quick aside: go ahead, ask me the words that I hope to never, ever, hear again for as long as I live?  “In this economy.”  Why?  Because there is always an economy and that economy will always favor the wealthy, trample the middle class and disregard the poor and that, my friend, will never change.  So enough with “in this economy.”  Besides, I need to quit “in this moment.”)  Wow, that quick aside should probably be a separate paragraph.

So, when you stop fantasizing about being involved in a minor automobile accident, like bumping a parked car, for example- no ambulance, no injury- just a little vehicular incident that takes some time to apologize and check over the damage which results in your having to miss this month’s meeting- when you no longer imagine this scenario, but rather, find yourself slowly driving along Main Street looking for a dented car that is precariously parked, it’s time to quit.

When you begin to wish that the stranger at the gas pump next to you would pass out so that you and only you must stay with that person until help arrives and end up missing next month’s meeting too, give notice.

When you pray that your child gets a slight fever, husband gets a flat tire, friend’s husband gets caught cheating; when you check the weather channel thinking “tornado.  C’mon, baby.  Mommy needs a little tornado.  Or “power outage.  Help me out, NYSEG.  Can I get a glitch?”  Not long enough to melt the Starbucks ice cream in the freezer, mind you, but enough so that the meeting is canceled.

When you find yourself contemplating the loss of full fat/high price frozen confections, just walk away Renee.

Whatever you do, don’t drive.

P.S.  Melted Starbucks ice cream is okay- it’s like an extra creamy cappuccino.  (That I can no longer afford because I quit my job.)

Why spend more for pure maple syrup?

3 Sep

Because when the bottle, with its cap loosened, is placed in the refrigerator on its side and the contents of the bottle leak, leak, leak across the shelf and down the drip edge, the natural sugar content of the real maple syrup makes it much easier to clean than the fake stuff.

The real stuff, when chilled, chips off easily which makes the hissy fit you threw seem over dramatic and shrill.  Especially when spouse asks: “what are you getting so worked up about?  It just chips right off, see?” and then hands off the putty knife and swaggers away like he just changed a spark plug or something thereby guaranteeing that a second fit will ensue: “why am I the only person in this house who sees that the maple syrup is leaking, anyway?  It doesn’t take x-ray vision, you know, the entire kitchen smells like Canada.”

So if you’re going to spill maple syrup willy-nilly and with any sort of regularity, go for the real stuff.  If you don’t like the taste of the real stuff, don’t cook things that require maple syrup.  The fake stuff is insulting to upstaters.

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