Tag Archives: shoes


15 Oct

david lee roth blog image

I know it’s wrong to base your life’s philosophy on a Van Halen song but sometimes you just have to jump.

Might as well.

And things turned out okay for David Lee Roth, right?

The thing about jumping is, at some point, you’re going to land.

Now before you yell at me for going to the ER with a broken toe, let me just say that I went to the ER not only because I hurt my toe, but, also, because I have an awesome shoe collection.

And while it is true that I was jumping and demonstrating some old cheerleader moves while wearing someone else’s shoes, it is also true that anyone can walk a mile in a stranger’s shoes.  It takes a warrior to herkey.  (What?  You didn’t know that I was once a cheerleader?  Surely my peppy attitude, unsinkable optimism, and amazing yelling capacity gave it away.)

Go Spouse!  Go!  (I mean it.  Just go.)

So one copay and an X-ray later, here I am.

Getting up while at the same time, having nothing get me down.

And that, my friends, answers the question: *What Would David Lee Roth Do?


On Why it’s Raining (Still)

7 Jun

blog image window screen

Why is the weather so horrible?

Because here’s why:

on the last blazing, hot and humid day to date (Saturday, June 1, but who’s keeping score?) I may have been crazy from the heat (bonus points if you noted the reference to David Lee Roth’s 1985 EP titled “Crazy from the Heat.”  And how do I know this?  It’s the EP on which he destroyed The Beach Boys “California Girls.” And when I say “destroyed” I mean “ruined” as in: “trashed,” “mocked” and “it’s no wonder he was busted buying a $5 bag of pot in Washington Square Park shortly thereafter; he stinks”) and I decided right then, on hot and humid Saturday, June 1, to put ALL the window screens in so that when the cool and dry breezes arrived, we would be able to partake of them.

And while I may have decided to install window screens immediately, I didn’t actually get to it until after I had coffee, yelled at The Boy and checked 6pm.com to see if any Kork-Ease sandals were on sale (because when the breezes do come, enjoying them in a lightweight and comfortable wedge is way more pleasant knowing that the shoes were 50% off (or more) with free shipping).

Note: yelling at The Boy is what happens on weekends when morning becomes afternoon and I have gotten nothing done and now it’s even hotter and all the funky, cheap Kork-Ease sandals are not available in size 9 but I have somehow convinced myself that a discounted BØRN or DANSKO sandal will be fine even though I know that they’re not as stylish and why is it so damn hot in here?

Update: it’s been rainy and cold since the screens went in.  It’s too soggy to wear the runner-up shoes, another weekend is upon us and I have a sore throat which means there will be limited yelling at The Boy.

I suppose I could check online to see if there are any snow tires on sale but the last time I bought snow tires and had them mounted, balanced and installed, we didn’t get snow for an entire winter, not even ice.

Also the tick population exploded, the plants all got sunburned and I didn’t wear the fabulous moonboots that I bought at Zappos.com even once.

I suppose if I want to make the sun come out, I just need to buy an umbrella.

The Inauguration

23 Jan

blog image guess sandal

I got caught up in the moment and found myself filled with optimism and hope.

So I did what any proud American woman who finds herself filled with optimism and hope would do and ordered a new pair of shoes (full price!) from the GUESS website knowing that Spring, like universal health care, will come, that the time for the America I have envisioned is now and that a nice platform sandal will be part of my peep toe rotation for years.

As for the dress?  Well, that’s what happens when optimism and hope get ahold of me.

Buying a dress that is a size too small (but on sale!) is a pledge to a happier, fitter and more frugal me!  And, like I said to Spouse, “who wouldn’t want me to be happier and healthier while saving money?”

It was a rhetorical question but I’m sure he had something to say.

I was too busy “optimisting” my way through the Nordstrom, Victoria’s Secret and Carvel websites while “hoping” that the credit card was approved.

“Optimisting” is a great word that I made up.  It’s from the Latin “optimum” and it means to shop the best online sales while MSNBC is on in the background, a President is being sworn in, the kids are home from school and that “Fire and Rain” guy just won’t quit.  Optimisting can get expensive.

(PS: Am I the only person on the planet who thinks that Rachel Maddow is adorable?  Also, that she has garnered enough power to hire correspondents who look like her is awesome.  Go, Rachel, go!)

And so, my fellow Americans, while FA&S has, until now, maintained its political neutrality, I must confess to you today, that I am totally partisan.

I go to all of them.

And I look pretty darn fabulous too.

Not So Real Simple

9 Oct

Despite popular magazine philosophy, I know that life cannot be improved by shopping.  Tidying a junk drawer by purchasing an “organizational system” from The Container Store defeats the whole notion of having one place for odd bits.  Besides, Container Stores are for people with way too much money and not enough empty shoe boxes.

Buy more shoes and tell your husband that you needed containers.

So how is it that I, a master at discerning want from need, (which works out well when you happen to need the shoes you want) own nine lipsticks- from “Cherries in the Snow” to “Hint of Brick” which are eight more lipsticks than a person needs and each one is horribly, horribly named.  Except for Chap Stick- it does what it says and makes no promises.

As someone who appreciates make up, especially black eyeliner- how can you not love Joan Jett’s or Chrissie Hynde’s raccoon eyes?- I find my lipstick accumulation strange since my lips are one of my best features in that they do not require Spanx to minimize their bulges.

Perhaps if the colors were aptly named so that they represented the arc of my life like “Look At My Lips So You Won’t Notice That I’m Wearing The Same Clothes I Wore to Work Yesterday” (circa 1988) or “That’s Not Lipstain That’s Last Night’s Merlot” (circa this morning), I might remember what I was hoping to improve  and will therefore continue to cheat ad agencies out of making me feel dissatisfied while still allowing for the occasional shoe binge.

I know my lips were with me when I bought every one of those lipsticks.  I’m just surprised that they weren’t able to talk me out of it.

The real thing

19 Aug

When I was a kid, I swore that when I grew up, my house would stock only brand names.  From  frozen vegetables to pretzels, the Food King Brand was banished.  I would be strictly Birds Eye and Toll House and Coca Cola.  You can see where this is headed.

And it’s not even due to the economic downturn.  We have been a Food King household since long before the recession.  “There’s nothing wrong with Food King: it’s got King right in the name.  If the products were inferior, they would be called Food Jester, right?”

That’s what I tell my son when he tells me that he had “real” Oreos at his friend’s house.

It’s just that I refuse to spend more for, say, rice because there is a picture of a man who is not my Uncle on the label.  No matter what brand, there’s still one ingredient: rice.  One company’s rice is no better than another’s.  Likewise for cat litter, paper napkins, potato chips, brownie mix, rubbing alcohol, cotton balls, baking soda, sugar, seltzer and so on.

Sure, we all have our “no compromise” items: pure maple syrup, Breyer’s ice cream, Tom’s of Maine toothpaste, Ritz crackers.  These are the “enjoy because they were on sale and I had a coupon” items.

I bought my refrigerator from the Sear’s Scratch and Dent Outlet, my purse at the Salvation Army and my pants were handed down from a friend who lost weight (some friend- would it kill her to say that the pants “no longer fit?”)

My shoes, however, are from Betsey Johnson.  Full price- had to have them- glorious.

I’m not eating Food King unless I get to be Shoe Queen.

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