Tag Archives: tom petty

How To Name Your Pet

12 Aug

blog image mallorca

I never wanted the stray cat with the chopped off tail to become ours.  Especially since I knew that other neighbors were already calling him “Lucky,” yet those same neighbors refused to address the chopped off bloody tail so, how’s that for irony?

Which brings us to the whole going to the vet issue.

You probably didn’t think that there even was a going to the vet issue but, as someone who has previously found issues with going to the dentist (Tractor Supply-esque music in the waiting room, really?) and late book fines at the Free Public Library, I assure you, going to the vet is a thing too.

Mostly it’s when your pet is summoned and the technician acts as if there is more than one “Lucky” with a chopped tail in the waiting room.  So you offer how you weren’t responsible for naming him, in fact, you’re just here to fix the tail and release him back into the wild to which the vet tech replies that they “hate when animals are named Lucky because, actually, they usually aren’t.”

So in attempt to add some gravitas to the name “Lucky,” (although the producers of “King of the Hill” have certainly helped by having musician Tom Petty voice their character named “Lucky”), I now register the cat with a hyphenated last name that sounds exotic and intriguing.  Like the child of two self-important parents vying for top billing, I insist that the vet call him Lucky Doodles-Majorca.

And should they call out to the waiting room: “Lucky?…Lucky Doodles?”  I won’t respond.  After a noticeable pause, I’ll inquire: “I’m sorry.  Did you mean “Lucky Doodles-Majorca?  With a hyphen?” because a: I can and b: it’s righteous.  And that puffed up, flea-bitten, stump-tailed cat who just drooled a ribbon of spittle through the carrier and onto the floor knows that I’m right and begins to feel a sense of pride and self-worth.  And that’s before he even licks himself.

I picked “Majorca” because that is my go-to run away spot.  If I ever am reported missing, that’s where you’ll find me.  With flights from Newark starting as low as $1128- thanks Expedia!  (I picked “Doodles” because there is no finer snack.)

Which brings me to the point of today’s post: give your pet a moniker that instills pride in the animal and, also, will not embarrass you should you ever have to shout it out.   Names like: “Ernest Hemingway,” “Juan Valdez,” “James Earl Jones” and “Lou Reed” work while neither “Matthew” nor “McConaughey” nor “Matthew McConaughey” do.

If all else fails, go with two puppies and name them “Lennon” and “McCartney.”  If there’s a runt, call him “Ringo.”

You can always opt for the unofficial name of every pet that has ever run into the road: “Jesus Christ!,” “Jesus H. Christ!” or “Jesus H. Christ-Majorca.”  Your call.

PS: he’s been with us for eight years.

This Song was made for You and Me

28 Nov

Have you any idea how depressing it is when The Boy asks if the recording artists to whom I listen are still alive?

As in: “Is Tom Petty still alive?”  (Although The Boy really only likes “American Girl.”  He, too, was raised on promises.)

“What about Bob Dylan?  Is he still alive?  And, hey- weren’t you at that Bob Dylan tribute concert in the 1990’s?  The one where George Harrison and Eric Clapton played at Madison Square Garden?  Are they still alive?  And how old are they now?  And how old are you?”

If you hang out with your kid long enough, eventually you will round a musical corner together into “The Dead Zone”- that random shuffle where the iPod serves up a bunch of great music by artists who are no longer living: Stevie Ray Vaughn, Johnny Cash, Sid Vicious, Patsy Cline, a Beastie Boy for crying out loud- whereupon The Boy begins to understand why he sometimes has difficulty relating to his peers.

Even though I am just as wonderful now as I was then, my music may, in some circles, be perceived as retro, vintage or… old.  Even worse- old and bad.   (Although “White Castle fries only come in one size” is an eternal truth wrapped in an awesome riff.  And it rhymes.)

And maybe I have done The Boy a disservice by refusing to allow “kid’s music” to be played during his formative years.  No Wiggles or Barney or Disney soundtracks here.  (Disclaimer: “Bare Necessities” from Disney’s Jungle Book is not only an awesome song, it is a manifesto for life.  Besides being nominated for an Academy Award for Best Original Song, this track has been covered by Los Lobos, Brian Wilson and Louis Armstrong all of whom can be found on my iPod and only one of whom is deceased.)  Ironic that I once contemplated becoming a paw paw farmer.

As disservices go, I confess that I also fed The Boy mashed potatoes with truffle oil as one of his first solid foods.  So that pretty much rules out cafeteria bonding among classmates.

On the other hand, I am an expert at being me and at being me raising a kid in this moment.  (In the movie of my life, I am portrayed by Jenna Elfman and The Boy is a chocolate Lab.)  Anything else is as false as Rascal Flatts playing “country.”

Which brings us to my favorite musical category (yes; we’ve been heading somewhere all along): The “I’m Not Sure” Selections.  In music as in life: I don’t know.

Here is where we find Neil Young, Dr. John, BB King, Buddy Guy and the like.  “Are they still alive?”  I don’t know.

They ought to be.  They ought to live forever.  But I don’t make the rules- I barely follow them; it’s a daily struggle to hide my disdain for them.  But if I did make the rules, know this: David Crosby would totally have to fork over an organ, any organ, should Neil Young ever need one.

Listen Boy, not that this helps and I know you didn’t ask, but I have also had difficulty with relationships.  Mostly because there’s the outside- which is chronological age, height, weight, growth, etc. and there’s the inside.  Some days I feel 100 years old and other days I feel more like 5.  Such a range makes “peer” a tough word to define.  (Hint: at any age, a peanut butter sandwich and a nap will make everything better.)

And remember this: never, ever, do I appear older than 29.

More untapped career choices

31 Jan

Here’s what happens when you’ve been unemployed for a while: the “dream job” that you often fantasized about while AT WORK becomes significant as your six-week review with the “employment solutions counselor” is here and you must have something to show for your time besides a renewed appreciation for the character “Lucky” as voiced by Tom Petty on “King of the Hill.”  (Side note: Tom Petty is a native Floridian.)

 

So, to my employment counselor I offer:

Second to Naan: a lunch truck that serves, stuffed or topped, freshly baked naan.  You may ask how successful an Indian lunch truck could  be here in Venisonland but that, I feel, is a question more for a counselor with “solutions” in her title than it is for me.  I’m too busy thinking.

Thinking: so obvious yet it appears on my soon to be released “List of Endangered Things.”  I could do this for any number of employers.

Batter Up: a food truck that will deep fry ANYTHING.  From baby shoes to engagement rings as well as the classics: Oreos, apple pies and sticks of butter.  Located in Cooperstown, NY, this service caters to visitors to the Baseball Hall of Fame and is aptly named.

The Truth Booth: a cardboard washing machine box that sets up anywhere (parties, reunions, etc.) to afford privacy.  For a fee, you may bring an individual into the booth whereupon I will tell them what you cannot.  Specializing in: “that hairstyle makes you look like you’re 100” and “your son (daughter) is smoking the (your) pot,” we also create custom rhyming verse like:

“Your spouse is a louse/get him out of the house./Yeah and the other day in the kitchen?/I saw a mouse.  You need to clean, girl.”

or even Haiku:

 

dry, dusty cooking

eternal sands of marriage

ketchup is my friend.

 

And from my employment counselor I request:

a part-time, sit down (in one of those vertebrae-aligning kneeling chairs and not a cushy wheely chair) but not too much sitting (as a visit to WebMD indicates that Spinal Stenosis can be aggravated by sitting), number- crunching (but not crazy big theoretical numbers with all kinds of commas and decimals), well-paying position with a mediumsmall-large company and a window.  For my ferret.

 

I suppose we may have to meet in the middle on this.

Meet in the Middle: a lunch truck that prepares selections from the middle of other restaurant menus and deep fries them.  For a fee.  Comes with a side of truth.

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