Tag Archives: work

Maybe I’ll Become a Barrista

20 Oct

I rarely offer advice regarding employment.  I tend to stay in unpleasant employment situations long after the headiness of wielding power, bossing minions and firing incompetents has evaporated.  Oh wait, that’s Donald Trump, not me.  I eat pizza with my hands.

So here I am at the crossroads.  The advice-giving me is telling the hardworking-me that I need to quit my job like, yesterday, even in this economy.  (A quick aside: go ahead, ask me the words that I hope to never, ever, hear again for as long as I live?  “In this economy.”  Why?  Because there is always an economy and that economy will always favor the wealthy, trample the middle class and disregard the poor and that, my friend, will never change.  So enough with “in this economy.”  Besides, I need to quit “in this moment.”)  Wow, that quick aside should probably be a separate paragraph.

So, when you stop fantasizing about being involved in a minor automobile accident, like bumping a parked car, for example- no ambulance, no injury- just a little vehicular incident that takes some time to apologize and check over the damage which results in your having to miss this month’s meeting- when you no longer imagine this scenario, but rather, find yourself slowly driving along Main Street looking for a dented car that is precariously parked, it’s time to quit.

When you begin to wish that the stranger at the gas pump next to you would pass out so that you and only you must stay with that person until help arrives and end up missing next month’s meeting too, give notice.

When you pray that your child gets a slight fever, husband gets a flat tire, friend’s husband gets caught cheating; when you check the weather channel thinking “tornado.  C’mon, baby.  Mommy needs a little tornado.  Or “power outage.  Help me out, NYSEG.  Can I get a glitch?”  Not long enough to melt the Starbucks ice cream in the freezer, mind you, but enough so that the meeting is canceled.

When you find yourself contemplating the loss of full fat/high price frozen confections, just walk away Renee.

Whatever you do, don’t drive.

P.S.  Melted Starbucks ice cream is okay- it’s like an extra creamy cappuccino.  (That I can no longer afford because I quit my job.)

Things at which I excel but will never be paid for

7 Sep


I have slept through the following:

  • bats in the bedroom (twice)
  • mice running across the bed (with me in it)
  • contractions
  • The Blues Brothers Movie
  • shifts at the phone company
  • an entire day and night.
  • I also awoke to the sound of a tree falling through my car.  After deciding that there was nothing I could do right now, I took a nap.

Inventing business names

  • Jiffy Pube- quick, custom genital grooming.
  • For the Love of Gawd- trinkets, tchotchkes, all things hot glue.
  • FUNerals- mixing hilarity with bereavement.  Cards, such as “your loss is our gain” or “I never understood what you saw in her,” sold separately.

Finding song lyrics for any situation*

  • and singing them.  Loudly.

*Note to self: a possible concert tie-in with FUNerals…  Sadfest?  GrieFair?

Opening a book on or near the exact page you need

  • and not just skinny books, either.  Have you ever used “Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone” by Deborah Madison?  Good luck finding Quinoa Timbales with Currants and Pine Nuts on the first try.  (FYI: page 535.)

Impressions of little-known actors

  • the ones who rarely go on to do other movies.  Angie, from Dog Day Afternoon, for example.  “Who?” you ask.  Exactly.  I do a great Angie but if I have to explain who she is and what scenes she’s in, you will have no idea whether or not my impression is spot on.  Too bad, because it is.

Not rolling my eyes when an eye roll is clearly warranted

  • when talking with local folklorist Tom Bowes, for example.

Taking deep breaths during a physical examination

  • so deep, so slow, my doctor loses money on this visit.

Pushing buttons

  • if I don’t, who will?

Judging others

  • again, if not me, who?

Being me

  • but what would I do on vacation?  Make Quinoa Timbales with Currants and Pine Nuts?  I don’t even own a ramekin.

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