Tag Archives: Zappo’s

Best. Sentence. Ever. (Again.)

26 May

blog image baileys

Today’s sentence is brought to you by Cameron, age 16.

Let’s say you have a boy.  Let’s also suppose that The Boy and his friends, including Cameron, have a band.

And finally, to keep it interesting, let us also put forth the proposition that the band will practice at your house every Friday night regardless of whether you have a headache, want to practice silent meditation or need to surf the couch in your tattered pajamas while drinking Bailey’s Irish Cream and eating Kellogg’s Rice Krispies even though it’s still kind of light out and now you’re no longer drinking the Bailey’s and eating the cereal but are, rather, pouring the Bailey’s over the cereal and eating it all with a soup spoon.  But I digress.  (Which is what happens when I eat Bailey’s.)

Eventually, the band is going take a break.  Not because their heads are pounding from making all that “music”- my stars, doesn’t anyone cover a nice Sam Cooke song anymore?  Why cant the band be in a sad mood tonight?  Or any night.  No, the band stops because they are hungry.  (Again, sad moods have been proven to reduce appetites but, alas, this band is delirious.)

Which brings us to Cameron’s question: “What’s for food?”

And, really, Cameron, this is America.  The question you should be asking is “what isn’t food?”

From a flavor-blasted Goldfish to a Dunkaccino* beverage to a genetically modified vegetable that can self reproduce then gather up a bunch of its buddies to outnumber and kill us all, we are a nation that will eat just about anything as long as there is melted cheese or Bailey’s Irish Cream on it.  I’m speaking from personal experience here (especially after 10PM or following a Paul Rudd movie).

So with a wave of my wand (not really- it was more like a quick snap! crackle! and pop!) followed by three clicks of my heels (or I may have just purchased three pairs of pumps from Zappos.  It’s hard to tell; things also get blurry when I eat Bailey’s), I answered Cameron’s question and “fed” the band.  (PS: I hope it’s the shoes.)

* Second-best sentence ever: INGREDIENTS: Water, Dunkaccino Powder {Sugar, Creamer [Partially Hydrogenated Coconut Oil, Corn Syrup Solids, Sodium Caseinate (a milk derivative), Dipotassium Phosphate, Sugar, Mono and Diglycerides, Sodium Silicoaluminate, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Soy Lecithin, Artificial Flavors, Annatto and Tumeric (Color)], Sweet Cream Powder [Pasteurized Sweet Cream, Skim Milk Solids, Soybean Oil, Corn Syrup Solids, Sodium Caseinate (a milk derivative), Mono and Diglycerides, Soy Lecithin], Natural and Artificial Flavor, Instant Coffee, Sweet Dairy Whey, Cocoa processed with alkali, Nonfat Dry Milk, Cellulose Gum, Salt, Silicon Dioxide}.

On Why it’s Raining (Still)

7 Jun

blog image window screen

Why is the weather so horrible?

Because here’s why:

on the last blazing, hot and humid day to date (Saturday, June 1, but who’s keeping score?) I may have been crazy from the heat (bonus points if you noted the reference to David Lee Roth’s 1985 EP titled “Crazy from the Heat.”  And how do I know this?  It’s the EP on which he destroyed The Beach Boys “California Girls.” And when I say “destroyed” I mean “ruined” as in: “trashed,” “mocked” and “it’s no wonder he was busted buying a $5 bag of pot in Washington Square Park shortly thereafter; he stinks”) and I decided right then, on hot and humid Saturday, June 1, to put ALL the window screens in so that when the cool and dry breezes arrived, we would be able to partake of them.

And while I may have decided to install window screens immediately, I didn’t actually get to it until after I had coffee, yelled at The Boy and checked 6pm.com to see if any Kork-Ease sandals were on sale (because when the breezes do come, enjoying them in a lightweight and comfortable wedge is way more pleasant knowing that the shoes were 50% off (or more) with free shipping).

Note: yelling at The Boy is what happens on weekends when morning becomes afternoon and I have gotten nothing done and now it’s even hotter and all the funky, cheap Kork-Ease sandals are not available in size 9 but I have somehow convinced myself that a discounted BØRN or DANSKO sandal will be fine even though I know that they’re not as stylish and why is it so damn hot in here?

Update: it’s been rainy and cold since the screens went in.  It’s too soggy to wear the runner-up shoes, another weekend is upon us and I have a sore throat which means there will be limited yelling at The Boy.

I suppose I could check online to see if there are any snow tires on sale but the last time I bought snow tires and had them mounted, balanced and installed, we didn’t get snow for an entire winter, not even ice.

Also the tick population exploded, the plants all got sunburned and I didn’t wear the fabulous moonboots that I bought at Zappos.com even once.

I suppose if I want to make the sun come out, I just need to buy an umbrella.

Rollerblades, Alex Trebek, X-Ray Specs and (super) me

4 Apr

If granted one wish for a superpower, the best superpower to ask for would be the ability to transport myself anywhere in no time at all.  Sunshine always, except when I fancy a bit of rain.  Or authentic Mexican food.

The ability to read other people’s minds is overrated and besides, I’m not sure I’d want to know when someone (spouse, child, most likely spouse) did not find me charming.  Or that my habit of interrupting with completely unrelated bits of information is less adorable than it feels.  Although sometimes, to make the interruption seem less rude, I will phrase it in the form of a question like: “did you know that Alex Trebek recently thwarted a robbery in the San Francisco Marriott Marquis by chasing down the criminal on foot?  I’m sorry, you were saying…”

Calorie-free food would be awesome but immediate transport power beats food power because, with time saved on commuting to the gym, one might actually go inside and work out instead of sitting in the parking lot, listening to a new indie band on NPR and then driving home to eat peanut butter straight from the jar- while trying to decide what to make for dinner.  Calories become unimportant as all the muscle-building, fat-burning Zumba you are now doing has turned you into a metabolic dynamo.

Having the ability to know if clothes and/or shoes fit well without having to try them on would also rock but the wish fairy has already created Zappo’s.

I would not rule out the ability to halt an eye roll with my mind (see “interrupting” above).  Because watching faces distort is its own reward and I live with folks who, to me, seem to roll their eyes excessively.

While x-ray specs are awesome, comes a time when there is so much behind the scenes infrastructure in place, burning a wish on see-through clothing only to have it result in a peek at scaffolding and boobs seems wasteful.

Being able to forgive sounds good, but not at the cost of forgetting.  I am essentially an elephant when it comes to forgetting, and my knees.  They’re baggy.  It’s genetic.  You are all on notice about the forgetting thing though.

So until I achieve Wonder Woman status at home, I’m sticking with WD40.  It’s the closest thing to having a superpower and did you know that it can be used to remove Rollerblade marks from kitchen floors and that Abraham Lincoln was the first president to have a beard?  Who roller blades in the kitchen?  I’m sorry, you were saying…

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